Welcome back, my Chime. I am Pixie and this is Diary of a Bipolar Pixie, where I discuss a multitude of random topics that interest me, even if you have no interest in them. Today’s post might be seen by some of you as especially unusual as the topic is one that’s normally not openly talked about. It’s also here that I will state, again, that this is not a blog for children to read, and if you find yourself triggered by certain topics, please recognize your triggers and remove yourself from this post. I will not be held responsible for any trauma anyone may endure. I also hate having to write this multiple times, but I realized that just because I said so on a previous post doesn’t mean everyone has read it.
“Jesus, Pixie, move on!” Okay, okay, calm down. Today’s unusual topic is… BDSM. I’ve had an interest in BDSM for a while stemming from a particular book that you may know. I read it and loved the story line, but when I looked into the dynamics of the book, I found that a lot of BDSM communities didn’t agree with the portrayal of the dominant/submissive relationship in the book. For starters, the author creates this violently toxic relationship where the female protagonist gives up a lot of herself to please the love interest, even though she has no knowledge of his world. She’s also stupidly shy and has trouble saying no because she doesn’t really want to lose the love interest. The man has a traumatic past, which I totally understand, but he turned around and used that trauma as an excuse to push boundaries and essentially abuse a girl that didn’t know any better.
After reading all of these posts and rants about the book, and it’s movie adaptions, being horrible representations, I thought I’d give it a little more research and see how these kinds of relationships actually function and in what ways they work best.
To begin, let’s start with a quick definition of BDSM. BDSM is defined by dictionary.com as “sexual preferences and behaviors involving physical restraints, an unequal power relationship, or pain, including the practice of bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadomasochism, etc.” From my understanding, it’s all about a consensual exchange of power, where the submissive willing and fully allows the dominant to take control over them in situations of their agreeance on.
This is all my interpretation of what I’ve read, and I might be incorrect about some points, which is why I’m quickly going to add two things. 1) Always correct me if I’ve said something wrong. I’d rather be corrected then going around giving false information. 2) Do your own research. You’re much more likely to find better information that you can use and interpret for yourself if you bother to find your own information on it.
There’s a lot that goes into each individual sub/dom relationship. Each partner has to consider the others kinks, interests, turn ons, turn offs, soft limits, hard limits, and whether or not this power exchange extends beyond the bedroom. I’m sure there’s more to it, but I’m just focusing on what I can find in a quick google search, which may not be the best method for research, but, let’s be honest, it’s what we all do anyways.
Each relationship caters to certain kinks in the partners. In most cases, there is a submissive partner and a dominant partner. The dominant partner uses some form of power to control the submissive, of the submissive’s own free will. The sub wants to be controlled and the dom wants to control, but there’s more than just that. The dom can’t be just a control freak with a hard on, they also have to be respectful of what their partner needs and wants, and vice versa. If the sub really wants to dress in costumes and play servant, and the dom likes the idea of having a slave of sorts, then they have a base foundation for their roles.
Next, the two sit down and have an actually meaningful conversation about what they each expect the relationship to look like. Maybe the sub only wants to play servant during certain times of the day. Maybe they want to take part in the role only while at home. Maybe their kink is to be the servant 24/7. It might be a sexual need to be a servant and have their dom use this role in their sex life, or it might be an everyday need that doesn’t pertain to sex but can include sex. Whatever the sub feels they need, the dom needs to be respectful and listen fully in order to understand.
The dom also has to voice their needs from the relationship. It’s possible a dom doesn’t want to be in charge 24/7, that’s a lot of responsibility to put on someone’s plate. Maybe they want their partner to be an equal earning member of the household who does their fair share of chores and takes care of their share of bills, but when everything is said and done, the dom wants to sit down and have their sub give them a massage, or bring them a drink without asking, while wearing a skimpy maid outfit and constantly saying “Yes, sir. Right away, sir.” Maybe that’s what gets him hard.
The dynamic of the relationship outside of the bedroom can be, if not absolutely is, as important as the dynamic inside of the bedroom. It’s the love, attention, affection, trust, understanding, and other such interpersonal skills that create the relationship and build on it in the first place.
Inside the bedroom, however, is where most people think of a BDSM based relationship existing, which isn’t totally incorrect. Bondage for many people is a powerful form of foreplay that heightens the senses and increases the sexual tension between the two, which can create an interesting experience sexually.
Before either can make it to the bedroom, they have yet another topic to discuss; limits. In this form of relationship, there are what’s known as hard limits and soft limits. Hard limits are what an individual is absolutely not willing to do whatsoever. In this scenario, I’m going to pretend that sub’s hard limits include breath play, face slapping, and knife play. Given this is just a scenario, I picked three pretty basic, and from what I can find, fairly common hard limits. The reasons why sub chose these as hard limits doesn’t matter, they don’t have to explain themselves to anyone when in regards to a hard limit, not even their dom.
Dom’s can have hard limits too, it’s not just up to the sub to make those calls. A dom can find themselves uncomfortable preforming a certain action and decide that they would rather not do it at all, thus creating their hard limit. The reasoning why doesn’t matter. What does matter is respecting each others limits. Perhaps this dom’s hard limit is degrading their sub.
A soft limit is one where the individual may not be entirely comfortable with the activity until both take the opportunity to explore it further in a less excited, less stressful environment. Sub’s soft limit for this scenario is anal, just so we have something to discuss. Maybe it has always been a soft limit for sub, because they have never tried it before and are nervous about doing so, or maybe in an activity with their dom, anal was tested in a way that made the sub uncomfortable and they had to use a safe word to reevaluate the situation (I’ll talk more about safe words in a bit). It doesn’t really matter, the point is rather that it is a soft limit, and with a little more communication, trust, and patience, the sub might be up to trying it again in a different situation that they find more comfortable.
Continuing on in a sit down talk between our imaginary dom and sub, they’ve come to the safe word portion of their conversation. Safe words are very important during any activity because it communicates to each partner where the other stands in the situation, sexual or not. Many in a sexual situation will use a color coded safe word system. Red is commonly used as the “Stop, go no further. Immediately need after care.” It is not an option to stop once this word has been used. It’s not even a pause. Once this word has been used, all parties involved immediately remove themselves from the scenario in order to care for the other. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign that someone was pushed beyond their capabilities to handle the situation.
Another color in this system is yellow. This is the word used for “Pause this action, I need a break and maybe we can restart in a moment,” or “slow down, we’re going to fast.” It’s always a good idea to communicate whether or not a word is going to be used as “slow down” or “pause” because if one person thinks it’s the first and the other thinks it’s the second, someone is going to be very unhappy. That’s why I’ve read some people incorporate orange as another color as the “pause” color. This way it can be differentiated between, “please slow down” and “I need you to pause this activity.
The site I found also wanted to emphasize there is a big difference between using “red” and using “orange.” Red is just stop. Play time ends completely as soon as the word is said, and the one who didn’t say the word typically immediately takes actions to make the other feel safe and comfortable again. Orange, on the other hand, doesn’t stop the play entirely, it just gives one person a break so they can catch back up and resume the activity when they are ready.
Green is often used as “I’m absolutely okay with this, this is perfect.” It’s the go ahead color, keep doing what you’re doing, I’m very happy with this. I’m trying to read on when this color would be given, and thus far the only time I’m seeing is when one person asks the other how they are doing. Most people don’t just scream “Green!” when they’re in the middle of a good time. It’s also a sign of good communication if one partner asks the other how they are doing instead of just assuming everything is okay.
Another color I have found that I think is important to use, but I’ve only found it on a small group of tiktok pages is blue. These videos say that blue is used when one partner feels the action could be increased in some way. Perhaps they’re ready for it to go faster, or harder, or deeper. The videos did note that if a sub uses this word, it’s not always honored because doms tend to tease their subs by being slow or meticulous in a role, but that voicing these feelings will continue to help keep lines of communication open when in play time.
But what happens if a sub can’t say their safe word. Well, then the dom and sub decide on safe gestures, something a sub can do with their head or hands that indicates they need to stop or pause for a minute. Some of the research sites have it written in big red letters to not get into situations where it’s impossible to use either safety measure. During these play time scenarios, submissives can become overwhelmed, dehydrated, ill, anxious, and need a pause or to stop, but if they are put in a situation where they can’t say stop, they are at risk of developing into a much bigger problem. So, for the sake of saying I said it, do not allow yourselves to be put in this situation unless you and your dom have another way to communicate in case you need it.
Doms and subs also have to consider the rules they wish to follow, or for the other to follow. Typically it is a dom giving a sub rules to follow that will either be rewarded for following, or punished for disobeying. When a dom has rules they must follow, the reward is the trust, love, and relationship with their sub, as far as I’ve read. If they break their rules, they lose their sub. A sub who doesn’t follow the rules usually has punishments in place, such as spankings, or they are humiliated in some way. Punishments must be decided by both parties. If the punishment is too light, the sub will continue to do the offending action without any real repercussions, but if it’s too harsh, the trust and respect between the two could be damaged.
Funishments are for less serious offenses and give the sub something to think about. It’s usually for bratty subs when the dom doesn’t necessarily want to change the subs behavior, but wants the sub to think carefully next time before doing the offending action. It’s playful and entertaining, but again, both have to agree on it.
Scenario time with our above stated servant and master duo (or mistress if that’s your thing). In this scenario, servant was supposed to wash all the laundry by the time master go home, or their would be a punishment. Both agreed on this, it’s a consensual chain of events. So, when the master comes home and find the laundry is not done yet, the punishment must be followed through with. For this scenario, they agreed that for every loaded that still needed to be folded, servant would receive one spanking, one for every load still needing dried, and one for every load not washed. Servant was just putting the final load in the dryer, so that’s two loads not folded, and one load not dried, which is three spankings for those that need help counting. They have also agreed that since this is a punishment, these will be harder spankings, uncomfortable spankings. The servant takes them willingly, knowing they already agreed to the punishment.
After the punishment, it is important to immediately administer after care, which is a super important part of the whole process. After care is used after absolutely every action in BDSM to solidify the fact that each person in the relationship cares for the other. Typically, it is a dom giving care to the sub because it is the dom who holds the power over the sub. After care after a punishment should be something that shows the sub how hard it was for the dom to punish them and how much they care. One method is to simply hold the sub and explain why it was important to be punished, and how the dom didn’t want to and doesn’t want to have to do it again. It’s important to make the sub feel loved and safe, despite what just happened.
When in a situation where the safe word “red” has to be used, after care should be far more extensive, with hugs and kisses, being gentle and considerate. Some sites demand food and juice and some time in a warm bath to help the sub relax. Then spend the rest of the night doing what the sub wants to do, like cuddling and watching movies.
One way to keep track of what everyone wants is to create an unofficial contract. It outlines the soft limits, hard limits, safe words, rules, roles to be played, best after care methods, punishments, funishments, and rewards. I’m sure some contracts have even more than that in them, I’m just sticking with what I can find online for general information.
There are many different types of submissives and dominants. Dominants fall into many different categories. The ones I can find are “tops,” “doms,” “masters,” “primals,” “care givers,” and “tamers.” They each have different agendas, different items of the relationship that they want to emphasize, and different strengths. Tops are the generalized term for a dominant. From my research, it appears that tops prefer being dominant in the bedroom, but it doesn’t normally extend beyond that. Doms, on the other hand, prefer dominance in and out of the bedroom, and tend to have a more formalized bdsm relationship than a top. Masters like the idea of owning a person and having every rule followed to the “T.” Primals, which is a fairly new addition to my list since rewriting my draft, have more fun as a dominant once they have a chance to chase their “prey” (their submissive). Care givers take on a nurturing role for their submissives, relying more on emotional affection than sexual attraction to strengthen their relationships. Then, there’s the tamers, who find joy in trying to reign in their bratty submissives. Of course, there’s also this mix and match of skills and what an individual might enjoy, so a master might also find themselves enjoy the role of a tamer, or a primal finds they are very good at being a care giver. Each person is different, so the roles they take in their relationships will also differ.
Submissives fall into a number of different categories themselves. These categories include “bottoms,” “subs,” “slaves,” “servants,” “pets,” “littles,” “princesses/princes,” and “brats.” From what I’ve found, a bottom is a generalized term for a submissive in the bedroom. A sub is submissive in most areas of their lives. Slaves enjoy the idea of being owned, and consent to surrender themselves as property to a master and do everything their master tells them to do. Servants, surprisingly, are not as similar to slaves as I would have guessed. They willing consent to being responsible of all of the house hold chores in exchange for… well whatever they agree on. From what I can tell, it can be anything, like a certain allowance per week, certain vacation splurges per year, or even specific sexual favors. Pets take on a more animalistic role in their relationships. Many pets will wear tails and ears while making animal noises and walking on their hands and knees. They also prefer sleeping on animal beds, being placed in crates, eating out of pet dishes, and acting as if they were a real animal, even sometimes having sex in their “animal state.”
Littles are the only ones I knew about before any of this and not as a submissive role in a relationship. I learned of littles after a discussion I had with a trauma support group on line when someone mentioned that one of their responses to their childhood trauma was to age regress. I researched age regression and those that go through it call themselves littles. They act like children, want to play like children, watch children’s shows, they want to be treated like children and I was told it had more to do with trying to regain an innocence they felt they lost. I also realized I am someone who does this. I get uncomfortable with my place in the adult world and would prefer to cuddle with stuffed animals and watch cartoons. Apparently, it’s the same in a little submissive. They act like children, and want their dominant to take care of them. Some of them even participate in age play, where they and their dom have sex while the sub acts like a child. It’s not my preference in any sense of the word, and I struggle with even accepting this given the obvious connotation of the desire of the dominant. That said, I obviously have no control over what you do or how you feel.
Princes and Princesses are the spoiled submissives. They want everything to be exactly their way, and they know how to make it happen. One site had a saying “Princess in streets, dirty slut in the sheets,” because once a princess gets into the bedroom, she becomes the most willing participant in the dirtiest of their doms desires. Finally, the brats are the submissives that enjoy pushing buttons. They misbehave, talk back, act difficult, and do everything they can to get the attention of their dominant because they also love being put in their place.
I felt it also important to say that these types of submissives are not all sexually oriented submissives. As I already said there are people who age regress as a way of coping with their trauma. It’s also called, on a broader scale, disassociation. Many people are known to disassociate and it seems that either by the actions by those in that state, or by the mindset of others, some of these people are sexualized and their trauma becomes someone else’s kink. I’m not saying that’s totally wrong. So long as you have a consenting adult partner, let your freak flag fly. It’s when you take advantage of someone who can’t say no, are ignoring someone who is telling you no, or you are trying to have a relationship with a minor that you enter into a zone in which I pray for death and torture on your soul. My point is, not everyone who is a little is looking for age play, not every pet wants to have sex like that. It might be their coping mechanism and having sex could hurt that side of them and make them feel even worse. So, if you’re looking for one of these types of subs as a sexual partner, be sure that the individual also wants sex while they are in little state or other states.
Another group to consider are the switches. Switches are those individuals who sometimes like to be dominant with their partner, but can just as quickly decide they want to be dominated.
I’ve also found some examples of polyamorous relationships in the BDSM community. I’m sure this is a lot more extensive than what I’m reading and has so many more rules and factors to it than what I can gather, but I felt it interesting enough to add to this post. When adding another person to a relationship, a lot of factors have to be rearranged and changed. It’s especially so in a BDSM relationship, given all the thought and dedication it takes to establish and well structured relationship between the two. Adding another person can throw off the balance.
In a polyamorous relationship, several formats can take place. It might be a 1 dom/multiple subs scenario, but each sub has little to no interaction with each other, so the dom creates individualized contracts for each submissive. In the case of the subs living with each other, they might all share a contract that emphasizes the roles of each sub in the relationship. Maybe everyone has a relationship with everyone else, and the contract has to be used to declare special times for individuals, and times that everyone can be together. It gets more complicated with more people and more rules and regulations and considerations have to be put into place in order to ensure everyone is treated as fairly as possible and to their desired effect.
Something that I am having a lot of fun looking into is accessories commonly associated with some of these relationships. I really never thought I’d be so entertained by what I’ve found, and I’m not saying that in a mean way. For example, collars are a common accessory used for different kinds of play, and some subs even enjoy wearing them outside of play. Don’t come after me if you wear them but you aren’t a sub, it’s just an observation. I actually love the collars I’ve found. They’re cute and remind me of some of my favorite chokers, only bigger.
Pets and slaves tend to wear collars to symbolize they are owned by their masters. Littles vary a lot so their accessories also vary. Some like to wear diapers, some like to drink out of bottles, some like pacifiers, I’ve even seen cases of some sleeping in larger sized cribs. Princes and princesses tend to show their titles with clothes or jewelry or even crowns and tiaras and such. Brats, as far as I can tell, are the varied because they can also fall into other categories, they just have to misbehave while they do it. And, to be fair to everyone, it is all about what they prefer, not just about what group they fall into. I’m just giving generalizations based on my research.
There’s also a lot of sex toys that can be used in these roles, if that wasn’t already obvious. They use cuffs and blindfolds, gags, vibrators, dildos, spreader bars, ropes, butt plugs, kegel balls, cock rings, canes, whips, paddles, nipple clamps, etc., etc., etc. A lot of the BDSM community use these as ways of heightening the sexual experience.
Gender, sexual orientation, level of extroversion, and literally anything else you can thing of have 0 bearing on whether or not you should be a dom or a sub. It only matters what you feel is best for you and what you want to do. Some research says that the most dominating people in the business world can become the most obedient submissives because it’s a way for them to relieve stress of the day without having to be in control of anything else.
It’s all very interesting and I’m probably going to look into this more, but that seems to be all I have to share you with you for now. If I was incorrect, or I seem to be misunderstanding a situation, tell me by leaving a comment. If you found this as interesting as I did, leave a like. If you want to read about another bizarrely random topic, subscribe and I’ll see what I can come up with.
Love you all. Fly high Chimers!
“Being yourself is the most valuable currency than an exchange for being in character.”
― Goitsemang Mvula
Diary of a Bipolar Pixie 