Hello, my Chime and welcome back to Diary of a Bipolar Pixie. As per usually, I, the great and magnificent Pixie shall be hosting you for this post.
This is yet another wonderful series I want to start that goes a bit more in depth about some pf the tasks my therapist (who sometimes reminds me of a dragon) gives me. It sometimes feels like receiving a quest, the goal is to complete it to the best of my ability, but if I fail, I can start over and try again.
Our topic for today is… boundaries! Why boundaries? My “dragon” felt it was very important for me to learn how to communicate my boundaries with people, and how to maintain them. Because of my upbringing, I find it very difficult to set appropriate boundaries for the people around me.
So, what’s the first step in setting boundaries? Know your limits. Name that shit. Let’s use my mother as an example, since setting boundaries with her is essentially useless. In order to name your limits, its important to identify what stresses you out and what you’re comfortable with. When discussing my mother, the idea of her having control over my finances stresses me out, or having any insight into my personal life. I love my mom and I love spending good time with her, like if we go to lunch and hang out, or watching tv, but I’m always on edge around her and I’m always nervous she’s going to use something I said against me, or start a fight over something.
Let’s set a pretend boundary now with my mother. My mother gets zero access to my bank account. It should be a pretty basic and understandable boundary but I know she won’t respect it. When You’ve set a boundary, it might be a good idea to be very direct about it. My mother, for instance, doesn’t respond well to hints, or casual comments that most people use as a subtle way of telling someone off. So, I would tell me mother straight forward and clearly, “I’m setting this boundary, you are not allowed to ask me about my finances or have access to my bank unless I give you permission.” This way I know I’ve told her my boundaries and if she doesn’t abide by them, then it’s because she is being disrespectful to me and not because she didn’t know.
There are a couple scenarios that can take place after boundaries are set that should be considered and prepared for. For example, perhaps I’m having a separate conversation with my mother and she starts hinting at asking how many times I bought coffee or went to McDonald’s for lunch, or my mystery trip to Walmart (which wasn’t a mystery, I needed more deodorant), and I start to feel uneasy and uncomfortable with her questioning. RED FLAG! RED FLAG! She’s probing in a very unsubtle way and I have every right to shut that shit down because I already told her not to talk about it.
If you’ve set a boundary with someone and they are acting in a way that makes you uncomfortable or uneasy, but you can’t be sure if they’ve crossed that line or not, act as if they had. At the bare minimum, they don’t know they are coming up to your limit and they need to be reminded of where it is. At the worst, they are testing your determination to keep the boundary. You can tell them to back off. You’ve set these boundaries for a reason and they need to respect that.
But what should you do if you’re trying to maintain your limits and someone is trying to make you feel guilty for it. “Pixie, I let you live here for free, I buy the groceries and toiletries, and all you have to do in return is clean your share of the house, and give me access to your bank account.” There’s obviously more going on than just that but it’s not important for the context of the story.
Now, I’m fine doing my share of the house work, or even more than my share, because I am living at home for free, but I’m still not comfortable with her having access to my money, so no thank you. But she’s done exactly what she set out to do, make me feel guilty for denying her request. She wants me to question myself and my reasoning for setting this boundary. To counter this, I have to stick to my guns. I have to look inward and remind myself why I set this boundary, and what would happen if I didn’t stand my ground on this boundary? What would my mother do then?
There are also situations, ones that I don’t deal with often, where the individual setting the boundary finds themselves slipping. Example time! Joanne lives with her long time girlfriend, Marge, and they’ve maintained a healthy relationship thanks to the boundaries they set and the respect they have for each other. Recently, however, Joanne finds herself worrying less about Marge stepping over one of her boundaries, driving her car perhaps.
Joanne is in a pickle. It might be new to her, but it’s actually a fairly common situation. People get into relationships, or move into together, and set boundaries, but after some time, the dynamics may change, and maybe the boundaries don’t feel as important.
If this happens to you, it may be time to reconsider your feelings on the matter. Maybe you trust the other person more than you did before and are more comfortable with allowing the behavior you originally were against. Maybe you still aren’t comfortable with the behavior, you just didn’t realize until you sat down to consider it.
Whenever you feel that your boundaries are not as important to you as they once were, it’s a good time to reconsider what makes you comfortable versus what makes you uncomfortable, and you can choose to do away with old boundaries if they no longer fit, and make new ones if you feel they are necessary.
Setting boundaries is a sign of self respect. It shows that you pay attention to what you need out of a situation and are willing to work to achieve those needs. It’s also a great opportunity to consider self care. I know, weird Segway, but self care is also an important factor for setting boundaries. Self care is a situation where we put ourselves first, even for a few moments. Setting ourselves first is the key to setting boundaries, because we have to consider what’s important for our well being before considering what’s important for another.
It’s hard for me to set boundaries because I live with a person who blatantly disregards boundaries. In my situation, once I put my foot down, it’s instantly a fight with my mother. She screams that I’m inconsiderate and since I live with her I’ll do what she tells me. If I’m insistent that I’m not comfortable having this talk or letting her do this particular action that will inconvenience me to an extreme degree.
If you find yourself in one of these situations, there are several things you can consider. If you live with the person and you don’t have a way to remove yourself, it may be in your best interest to do what is the least stressful to you. Depending on the situation, I’d rather continue fighting with my mom because the alternative is giving up what little freedom I have in the house.
I’m trying to practice my boundary setting with my boyfriend because so far I trust him, but there are also some things that I’m not sure I’m entirely comfortable with yet. Honesty is always the best policy so many of the issues I have are ones I need to discuss with him, but this is essentially my diary so I like to write down how I’m feeling and what I’m going through.
Where Wolfie is considered, my issues lie more with how quickly I feel things are progressing. He’s amazing and considerate and makes me laugh so hard most of the time and we seem to get along, but that’s over the phone. I’m nervous that we won’t have the same feelings in person, or my awkwardness will get the better of me. He wants to move closer to me, or have me move closer to him, but it feels too soon. He wants to come to visit in June sometime, which I think is a good idea, but then he immediately wants to look for places for us to move into… Us.
Now, I’m all for planning for the future. I date to find my forever person, so obviously I’m already planning for a future that may never come, but my idea of planning for the future is in a year or two, not a few months. Not to mention, I’m worried I’ll fall back into my old ways of waiting for my S/O to support me. I’ve never really had to worry about taking care of myself before, I’ve always had my parents or my ex as a backup to take care of me. I’d like to try, to live on my own and work so that I can prove to myself that I don’t need anyone. I also think that doing this would better my relationships with people because it would mean that people are in my life because I want them in my life, not because I need something from them.
While I can’t control what Wolfie does, I can control what I do and how I react to situations. If he truly feels that it’s important for him to move here, then I can’t really stop him. I can, however, make a couple of boundaries that I feel are important. 1) I won’t move in. I’m not ready. I’m not in a place in life or in our relationship that I feel comfortable moving in with him yet. 2) I need to be financially, physically, emotionally, and mentally stable before I’ll even have that conversation. I know I’m a mental and emotional mess, but I also know I’m getting better. Though I have my bad days, like many other people in the world, I am making big improvements in my life and I’d like the opportunity to see those come to fruition before I change too much more. 3) I’m comfortable with ideas of sleeping over and hanging out more regularly, but I’m not comfortable with the idea of Wolfie becoming my whole life. I have dreams and plans, and I can’t achieve those if I’m more focused on him than I am on me. 4) I need him to understand that my schooling right now comes first. I’m changing my major, which is changing a lot in my life, and I want to focus on that so that I can eventually get a job that I might actually like someday.
It feels like a lot to ask, especially given how I grew up, but I also have to remind myself, as my therapist put it, that I have not only a right, but a responsibility to better myself before I go out into the world, which I can definitely agree with.
Update- I’ve practiced setting my boundaries with Wolfie and he’s so understanding it’s really weird. When I discussed with him where my issues are, like I’m worried that if he moves here and we break up I will have effectively ruined someone else’s life. His response (paraphrased, of course), he has nothing to lose and everything to gain, he’s just been waiting for the right opportunity and I’ve given it to him.
I’m not sure what to do with this man. Seriously, it’s like living your whole life thinking all flowers have thorns because everyone only ever gave you roses, and someone suddenly handed you peonies. (I know it’s not really everyone, it’s just a way to describe how I feel.) He confuses me. Here’s all this love and affection and understanding, now what?
Sorry, I know this was supposed to be about creating boundaries and learning to maintain those boundaries, but I don’t know what to do when someone respects those boundaries without a fight. Like, um… thank you? What’s going to happen next? What the other shoe? When is it going to drop? I’m overly conditioned to expect fights over this kind of stuff.
I’m also sorry if this post is a little over dramatic and weird, I was having a weird week and it usually rolls over into my writing.
Well, I’ve done my job educating you Chimers, I’ve had my minor mental moment, now I’m going to call it a day and wait for more inspiration to smack me upside my head!
Fly high, Chimers!
“Evaluating the benefits and drawbacks of any relationship is your responsibility. You do not have to passively accept what is brought to you. You can choose.”
― Deborah Day
Diary of a Bipolar Pixie 