Diary of the Divine Part 2

Welcome back, my beloved Chime. Diary of a Bipolar Pixie now presents an update on Pixie’s life. You didn’t ask for it, hell you probably really didn’t want it, but it’s back for a limited time only (because my mood changes more often then the phases of the moon). I also just found out how to change the text color on here!

3/10/21– As I probably already mentioned by now, I’m in a relationship with Wolfie and we are very entertaining in my opinion. He’s a crazy dork who shares my sense of humor and has already said the four letter l-word. Even though I’m not ready to say at this point, he doesn’t mind. I’m still struggling with the whole idea of this after just getting out of a relationship, but he feels good for me. He makes me laugh, which sometimes recently feels really hard.

I also finally decided to officially changed my major. I’m now in the English Program and hope I can just pass my classes for this semester. It’s hard though, because I still have a perfectionist mindset where everything is either perfect, or it’s a complete and utter failure, so I might as well fail hard, right? I know it’s complete garbage, but I’m not sure how to work on that. Probably something I should discuss with Dracona (my therapist is officially nicknamed, only took like six weeks), but she’s already working double time on my case alone while juggling all of her other clients and other work she has to do for the college.

Am I a problem child? Oh, you bet! Too much of a people pleaser? Absolutely! Am I going to change that any time soon? No… Eventually, I’m going to have the solutions to my problems. Eventually, when someone asks me these questions, I will be able to say, “No, not really anymore,” but that takes time and dedication and I’ve only just started trying to do better. In the mean time, I’m going to continue structuring my life around what’s easier for everyone else.

Except for my parents. I’m a perpetual disappointment to them. I struggle with budgeting and paying my bills, if that wasn’t obvious, and I’m willing to receive help, I’ve asked for help, but I won’t ask for help from my parents anymore. The stress me out, everything is a fight with them, and my mom really wants to control my money. I’m not comfortable with that, given I am 22. I understand I’ve put them in a not so fantastic position, and I appreciate all of their help, but I’m not willing to give over control of my entire life to them. Finding a way to move out this summer is getting harder, because at this point I have no savings to pay for rent, and if I took out a loan for on campus housing, Mom and Dad would rip me to shreds.

So, hopefully I can get things figured out over the summer and move as soon as August. I really want to get out of my parents’ house not only for my independence and mental health, but for my love life as well. I don’t live in the basement of my parents giant two story house, with a whole level between us. No, no, no, that would be too easy. I live in the bedroom right next to my parents’ room in a tiny house that, in my opinion, doesn’t even have the right to call itself a farm house. The walls are so thin, I can hear my sister snort in her room from the other side of the house. I already have to suffer through knowing my parents have an active sex life, thanks to those stupidly thin walls, I don’t think bringing a boy home would make any improvements, whatsoever. My parents don’t even know I have a boyfriend yet, and I’d like to keep it that way for now.

Which brings me to a secondary rant. I haven’t told my parents about Wolfie for a couple reasons. To start where I always like to start, my mother is controlling. I can already hear her telling me I don’t need a boyfriend, I have too much to on my plate as is. That’s kind of true, I do have a lot on my plate, but Wolfie doesn’t add to it. He wants me to focus on me and take care of me, and he’s going to be there when I need him. He’s incredible to me, and it’s amazing to me that he wants to be with me.

The other reason I haven’t told them is I don’t want to deal with their awkward and invasive questions. They know him, they knew him from when he and I first dated. My mom doesn’t recognize when she’s being inappropriate and will ask questions she has no business asking, from personal questions about Wolfie, to questions about my sex life, and even questions about a future I haven’t bothered to plan out yet.

“Pixie, I don’t understand. You’re an adult so why can’t you have a boyfriend, why can’t you hang out with or spend the night with him? Why does it matter?” Again, hyper controlling parents. They think a boyfriend would be a distraction from my goals for the future, or that I would become too reliant on him, which I completely understand as valid points, but then again, they are trying to control every aspect of my life, so aren’t they making me more reliant on them? The dynamic is frustrating and I’m working on fixing it to the best of my abilities.

03/22/21-I have recently added one more person to the list of people who know I have a boyfriend. Loper, my sister that lives in Laramie, recently called to just talk and since I’ve been in a relationship for a few weeks, I thought I would tell her. She said she figured it would happen sooner or later, which made me giggle. I miss her. I did find out she wants to come for a visit soon.

My mother and I got into a fight earlier this week over my meds. My problem is when I take my trazodone, I sleep for 12-14 hours some times and it becomes a problem when I have work at 8 but can’t go to sleep until 10. So I choose not to take my meds if I know I have to be up early the next day. When I don’t take my meds, I can’t fall asleep until 2 or 3 am and I wake up over and over again in the night. This makes me so moody and tired throughout the day. My solution for now is I take my meds on the weekend to catch up on the sleep I didn’t get in the week. On Saturdays and Sundays I can sleep in as late as 10 am sometimes, which doesn’t seem that bad to me. Mom thinks it is the laziest most selfish things I can possibly do. I should be up by 8 am every day to clean the house, only to spend the afternoon doing nothing.

NO! It absolutely does not make sense! If I have no other plans for the weekend but to clean, then who cares if I get it done at 8 am or noon? Apparently, she cares! It feels moronic for her to be that controlling about cleaning. I want to talk to her about it, I’ve tried talking to her about it, but she has the mindset that it’s her way or no way and I can’t live like this anymore!

03/26/21-It’s happening! Well, a lot is happening so time to lay it all out. Loper is coming for a visit this weekend! I miss her so much. We used to live a block away from each other and now we live a hundred miles away. She used to walk into my apartment unannounced just to hang out and leave with my food. I can’t wait to see her!

It sounds like I’m moving into an apartment on campus as soon as classes are out! It will take a certain amount of work and dedication on my part to get it all figured out, but I can’t wait to move out of my parents’ house, to live on my own without having anyone else to rely on. I want to be independent, I want to prove to myself that I’m a powerful functioning human being and I can make it on my own for once in my life.

I’ve also registered for my summer and fall classes. My summer classes aren’t in the system yet and I can’t remember what they are exactly, but I think one is creative writing and the other is intro to new media. For fall I’m taking interpersonal communications for my humanities requirement, and journalism for new media. I’m so excited. I’m also planning on taking a lot of classes pertaining to journalism and mythology. It sounds weird, but between contemplating becoming a journalist, free lance writer, and getting my own book published, I think it makes me well rounded when it comes to writing.

My mom still doesn’t know I’ve changed my major, and I’m trying to avoid telling her, but Leppy has been talking all week about what classes she registered for, and my mom started trying to talk to me about my classes. I only got registered yesterday, so I haven’t been able to tell her anything, but I know it’s coming. I know the question is coming, “Have you registered for your classes yet?” and if I say no, it will turn into a fight about the school being trash and me being trash for not dealing with. If I say yes and tell her I changed my major, she’ll start a fight about how I’m wasting my life, I had a good plan in place and I’ve fucked that up. Then, she’ll try to make me change it back. If I lie to her, and she later learns I lied, it’ll be a fight about how I’m a liar and she can’t trust me. If I try to brush off the question or tell her everything is figured out without giving her details, she’ll get mad about how I never talk to her. I haven’t decided what I will do, but I do know I will not lie. I’m not a liar. One of my biggest pet peeves is lying in any form so I refuse to lie.

I’ve also made the plan with Leppy to go with her when she gets her first tattoo. I’m still contemplating if I want to get one with her or not, given my financial situation right now, but she’s nineteen and she’s made the decision and I want to be there for her. She has some really amazing idea centering around her passion for photography and her favorite flower, sunflowers, and I think they’re so beautiful.

With Leppy coming to the conclusion that she is getting a tattoo, I’ve been thinking about what I would want to get done if I had the money. I’ve been contemplating three different tattoos, one would be an unalome on my thigh with a lotus flower at the top and a semi colon at the center of the lotus flower on my thigh, another would be a multi colored phoenix on my forearm, and the third would be the Celtic symbol for sisters with mine and my sisters initials attached to it on my shoulder blade or over my heart (haven’t made a definitive decision for that yet). I also have really been wanting to get another piercing, nipple piercings actually. It’s something I’ve been wanting for a while now so my nose ring can match my nipples.

03/29/21– I did something that I really didn’t want to do. I had to talk to my mother about my bills, school, and future housing plan. How did this happen? Well, she got really pissed off on Saturday and pulled out my list of bills that need to get paid. I haven’t paid yet, there’s a lot of issues related to that, but I had it set up so that Dragon and I could work together to set me up on a budget so that I could get those paid. I tried to explain this to my mom, and she was furious. She felt that because she was my mother, it was her right to be all up in my business. I complied to a point when we talked about my bills, because she has been helping me pay them, but she doesn’t sit down and have a conversation with me about how to work out a budget or paying bills so it’s really frustrating.

After our little spat about bills, she started getting mad because she realized if she didn’t make me get a job or go back to school, I wouldn’t have done it myself. I mean, I don’t know what she expected me to say. She thought I should already have ambition and motivation to do these things on my own, especially since it’s been four months since I first was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She doesn’t understand how I can still be depressed and upset when she and my dad take care of all of my needs.

I tried to just brush off her questions and move on, but she would not let me leave until I told her why I was still depressed, why I had not motivation in life, why I didn’t seem to be getting any better to her. I told her it was because she and I fought all of the time and it was extremely stressful and exhausting. That only seemed to piss her off more, because she exploded. “I do everything for you! I work my ass off, and all I ask in return is you go to school, get a job, and keep the house clean! How is that stressful?” Mind you, the woman works three days a week, maybe fifteen hours a week. She sets her own schedule. I on the other hand work at least fifteen hours a week on top of having classes 10 hours a week, which doesn’t include the time I need to study, even though I hate my classes. But apparently I’m lazy.

Which brings me to my next issue, I apparently sleep too much, according to her, and that makes me lazy. On weekends, I’ll sleep in till about ten. I might not get out of bed until 10:30, gotta play on my phone for half an hour, but I do my best to be up earlier than that. I have a problem with my sleeping medication though. If I take it at 8pm, I won’t wake up till 10 am. I can set thirty alarms and sleep through all of them. If they manage to wake me up, I’ll snooze them, think I’m crawling out of bed, and five minutes later, it goes off again and I’m still laying in bed. If I don’t take my sleeping meds, I can’t fall asleep. Last night, I turned everything off, didn’t even look at my phone, and tossed and turned for three fucking hours. Do you know how infuriating it is to do everything the exact way you’re supposed to and you still get fucked? I then set my alarm for 6:30, and guess what didn’t go off. It has a set time before it gives up, but it’s two hours of going off before it’ll just shut off completely, and I don’t remember hearing it. My mom had to come in to my room and tell me it was 7:15, and I had to be to work by 8. It’s annoying and when I talk to people about it, they say if that’s how I manage, then that’s what they think I should do. I’m getting some sleep during the week, and catching up on the weekend, but because everyone else in the house it up by 9, then obviously I have to be up too.

When I told my parents I was planning to move out as soon as possible, they weren’t happy. I get that they worry about my finances, trust me, I worry too, but the longer I’m home with them, the worse I seem to feel. I’m taking the meds, going to therapy, doing the things I know I should be doing, but so far I don’t feel any better. I think I just need to move out, take myself out of the environment that is stressing me out so much, and hopefully that little change will be enough to help me make bigger improvements in my life. Mom got offended when I discussed this with her, not giving the exact same reasons, of course. She wanted to fight about money, even though I tried to explain to her that some of my scholarship money would go to housing and my bills could be paid in full fairly quickly, so I would have the funds to move out pretty soon. She was considerably unhappy about that for some reason I don’t quite understand. I’m also going to be honest and say that when Mom and I talk for too long, I start to forget a lot of what she said. It’s not that I’m purposefully ignoring her, I talk with her at the time, but while I’m sitting here typing, I realized there are some parts of the conversation I can’t really remember. That’s also really frustrating because it might come up again and I’m going to get in trouble for not knowing what’s happening.

On the topic of school, I finally told her I changed my major. I started by saying I knew she was going to be mad (she always mad) but I needed the change. She got mad that I would say I knew she was going to get mad. She started yelling that she’s very understanding, and she knew I like to write so she wasn’t surprised I would change my major for English. Later that night, she asked me why I would I decided to change it, and I told her I’d had a talk with Dragon and Dragon had pointed out that since I hate science and love writing, it might be a much smarter idea to make the switch. This pissed her off because why wouldn’t I talk to her about it? She was my mom and she knew me better than anyone so why didn’t I tell her first? Then she wanted to interrogate me about what I would do with an English degree. Become a teacher? So you want to steal your sister’s ideas? Journalism? That’s a terrible idea, you’ll never make enough money. Free lance writing? Why would you want to write for someone else? Publish a book? Do you think you’re good enough for that?

If that conversation made you want to pull your hair out, welcome to my world. I’m exhausted every single time I talk to her about anything. She always questions why I wouldn’t come to her first and then talks to me like I’m an idiot and don’t know what I’m doing.

Also, Loper made it to Riverton Friday, she had to go to a birthday party for her boyfriend’s family (3 of his family members have birthdays within a week of each other so they all celebrate at once), and she spent the whole afternoon with us on Sunday. Leppy, Loper and I got lunch and hung out at the park with Leppy’s dog. He’s a sweet boy but has lived on a farm his whole life and we wanted to see his reaction to a public place since Leppy is moving out of our parents’ house soon. It was fun, and after we ate and hung out for a bit, we went home so we could see the rest of the family and play games.

As soon as we got into the house, Mom started acting like a petty ass bitch. She wouldn’t even look at Loper, and got pissed at me when I told her we ate McDonalds. That’s junk food, and we should be eating better than that. Her fucking health kick is going to make me hurt someone. Loper tried to say hi, ask her how it was going, and Mom wouldn’t respond, so she stopped trying. When Dad asked her what was wrong, she went off on him about how he never takes her side, never defends her, and always makes her out to be the bad guy. Dad was understandably upset, he didn’t know what he needed to defend her from. She said Loper was a selfish ungrateful brat who only came to town when her boyfriend’s family had something going on, and then spent the whole week with her boyfriend instead of coming over to hang out with the family… while Loper was playing board games with us. Loper also made the plan to spend the night a couple of times in the week so we could do more fun stuff while she was in town for the week. Mom doesn’t seem to care and is still acting like a pissy bitch. It’s not fun for anyone and I’m still contemplating how to tell her to get bent.

This is the end of my fabulous diary entries, for now. This is a decent sized post for all of you lovely Chimers, so anything that happens next will be put in another diary entry post. So, like, comment and subscribe to stay updated on my content.

Speaking of content, I’ve managed to set this site up so that I can start making premium content for paying subscribers. I’m still working out what the premium content will be, given that I tend to tell you all everything anyways. If you have any ideas for premium content, please send me a message or leave a comment. If you’re looking to become a supporter, I’ve set up many wonderful options, such as $1 a month, $10 a year, and one time payments. Contributions will go to improving the quality of this blog. Also, if I make enough off this blog, I’ll improve my equipment so I can start making even more entertaining content, such as videos. However, until then, you’ll all just have to make do with these fabulous posts about the excursions of a lunatic.

Fly high, Chimers!

“Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.”

― Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray