The Dragon’s Quest: Part 2

Hello, my Chime. Welcome back to Diary of a Bipolar Pixie, brought in part to you by my last will to live. Just kidding (or am I, the world may never know). Really, this blog is one of the only reasons I wake up in the morning, since it gives me a reason to focus on something that is not my life.

But guess what we’re focusing on today? My life! Dragon is pushy as hell, and now I’ve given her permission to read my blog and I don’t know how to feel about that. Dragon, lovely lady who calls me on my shit, if you’re reading this, please understand that I write almost every post a couple weeks in advance, so if you’re reading something that we talked about ages ago, I wrote the draft post just after we talked, but I had other posts scheduled already.

So, what did Dragon and I talk about most recently? Limiting and maintaining expectations with my mom. Let me just preface this wonderful piece of advice with my mom’s most recent antics that royally piss me off. She and my dad sat me down in the living room to grill me about my life plans. I think I already wrote about it, but I’m going to highlight this topic again because it’s relevant to the post. She and my dad also told me I’m not allowed to move out until I give them a detailed financial plan of how I’m going to survive on my own. My parents also sat Leppy and me down in the living room to yell at us for being lazy inconsiderate assholes because mom chose to deep clean (and I mean scrubbed the walls of the bathroom, wash all the curtains in the house, rearrange the dishes in the cupboards clean) and Leppy and I hadn’t fully cleaned our rooms yet, despite having just barely walked in the house at 8:30pm. We’d spent the previous 11 hours busting our asses between classes and work and homework, but that apparently wasn’t enough. I was also called lazy a few days later for not washing the dishes, when I’d cleaned the entire kitchen the day before. Somewhere in the midst of all this yelling, Mom said that if I didn’t respect her, then I could pack my shit and get the fuck out of her house. Why do I feel like she gave me an out without realizing she gave me an out?

Anyways, I’ve discussed some of this with Dragon, who keeps saying that we have to remember to manage out expectations. I have a bit a problem with that though. I know what to expect from my mom. I absolutely expect her to be a narcistic, controlling, bipolar bitch. I expect her to make harsh comments about my clothing and size, or to yell at me about my finances, or to nitpick or be ungrateful when I help out around the house, or to blatantly disregard my feelings and opinions in matters that actually concern me. I’ve experienced it my whole, I, without a doubt, expect it to happen.

So, what do I do about it? I work my ass off knowing my mom’s not going to be grateful for it, but how is my knowing her reactions supposed to effect me? Right now, all it does is make me feel even lousier because I was right. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s really shitty to a) already expect her to be a bitch and then b) be proven right. I just hate that feeling, and it makes me really upset no matter how I look at it.

After ranting about my mom for lord only know how long, we talked about how I want to go about improving my situation. For starters, I want to move out. I have zero plans to live with my parents longer than a few more months at most (essentially through the summer). I want so badly to have my own space and be able to take care of myself again. I also have no intentions of actually giving my parents a piece by piece financial plan, because, in my opinion, it is none of there business what I do with my money. I didn’t ask them to pay off anything for me. In fact, I distinctly remember fighting them about this issue, but I gave in to attempt to keep the peace for the time being. I’m not doing that anymore. I refuse to let them control every aspect of my life, and if they want to cut me out of their lives, so be it.

We also discussed sitting down before and after a fight with my mom and writing out what I think and feel rationally about a subject. Fighting with my mom causes a severe emotional response that can eclipse my ability to rationalize, so Dragon thinks being able to write it down before hand and return to it when I’m being emotionally bullied will help me to determine if what I’m fighting for is really worth it. For example, if I really want to move out, I need to write down the logical reasons for moving out, that way if I have a fight with my mom that starts to sway my thinking, I can read what I wrote and really take the time to consider if what she said has any hold over my feelings.

So, even though I’ve very probably already wrote this out and have simply forgotten what I wrote and have no intentions of reading back through everything I’ve already written just to find the little pieces of information that pertain to this topic. There’s also a very good chance that I write this all over again, because I constantly forget and constant need to remind myself.

1. If I lived on my own, I could cook my own food without having to worry about accommodating to other people’s wishes.
2. I could wear whatever I’m comfortable with and not have to follow outdated and stupid clothing rules set in place by my dad.
3. I could clean the house to my specifications, and not to the ridiculous requirements of my mom.
4. If I moved on campus, I would be that much closer to my classes and job and would save on money.
5. It would cost me money to move out, but I feel that the emotional and mental relief would outweigh the financial burden I would take on.
6. I could have people over without having to explain myself to them.
7. People who came over wouldn’t have to put up with the racist and overbearing opinions of my parents.
8. I could smoke and drink and vape as I desired without the hypocritical comments, “that’s not healthy,” “Why would you do that to your body?” (My mother smokes cigarettes and my father chews tobacco).
9. I wouldn’t be at risk of hearing my parents weekly romantic evenings, if you know what I mean. (If that made you uncomfortable, imagine living in the room next to your parents who absolutely refuse to monitor the amount of sound they make while doing the deed).
10. I can have my boyfriend over without it turning into a big deal with my parents.

I’m sure if I sat down and really thought this out in bigger steps, I could come up with even more reasons to go. The only reason I can think of to stay is money. I save more by staying home, but I mentally, and even physically at this point, cannot fathom staying home any longer that I already have.

If my plan is to move out, then Dragon said I need to break that down into smaller steps to help myself get there. I already filled out the housing application, now I just need to pay the security deposit, talk to someone about whether I’ve been approved to move for the summer or if I have to wait until fall, and when the move in date will be. It may not seem like a lot to figure out, but the guy I’ve been talking with to figure all of this out has three jobs that I’m aware of on top of being a full time student. He’s dealing with all these problems and all these students and I feel bad for throwing even more on his plate. I intend to get a hold of him again soon to re-discuss this, or maybe see if he can forward me on to someone who can handle this situation a little better than he can.

There was one more topic Dragon wanted to discuss. She wanted to know if I thought my medication was improving my symptoms. To be honest, I have no idea. I didn’t even know I was bipolar, and then, bam, diagnosed and on medication at the same time. I didn’t know to look out for bipolar symptoms, so I don’t really have a lot to compare my current symptoms with what I was going through six months ago, or even a year ago. It’s also important to not that six months ago I was going through the most severe depression I’d ever been in thanks to losing my job, relationship, and home in a very short period of time. I don’t know what my original symptoms look like, so I can’t tell if I’ve improved or not. Not to mention, living with my mom makes it difficult to identify what is caused by my bipolar disorder versus what are my emotional, mental, and physical reactions to my mother.

Because of all of this, Dragon wants to try to monitor how I feel on a daily basis, so we can see the patterns I go through and recognize when I’m going into a depressive episode or a hypomanic episode, what’s caused by my disorder, or what’s caused by my trauma.

She didn’t type anything up or try to give me any homework on the issue, but I felt it would be a good side project if I wrote something up myself just to get started. The question we have to answer is “What do you monitor when you have bipolar disorder?” Obviously, certain aspects of my life are more important to keep track of than others. Every little thing I do has an affect on my disorder, but sleep obviously has more of an affect on my level of anxiety than, say, my menstrual cycle. Why? Because I don’t have a menstrual cycle anymore thanks to my birth control. The following is a list of what people with bipolar disorder should track, according to multiple online resources.

• Sleep Patterns-you should keep track not only of how many hours you sleep, but of how well (or how restful) your sleep was. Just because you slept a full 8 hours doesn’t mean you slept very well if you found yourself tossing and turning on the brink of REM sleep (like I often do).
• Anxiety Levels-Monitor this on a scale of your choice. I choose to do this on a 0-5 scale. 0 means I have absolutely no anxiety at all about anything. (Never happens btw) 5 is the exact opposite, where I’m in full blown panic mode about everything, should consider being hospitalized because my heart is beating so hard and so fast I think I’m going to die! I’m perpetually at a 1.5 sometimes a 2, and on bad days I sit at a 4.
• Daily Mood-My psychiatrist monitors this on a -5 to +5 scale. -5 is so severely depressed, suicide is constantly on the mind, can’t even imagine getting the energy to get out of bed, complete and total hopelessness. +5 is the other extreme of the scale when you’re looking at a bipolar mood disorder. It’s overly exuberant attitude, total loss of judgement, overly religious delusions, hallucinations, extremely risky behavior, and no control over behavior and habits. On depressive days, I can sit at a -4.5. I get extreme suicidal thoughts and lose all energy but I don’t think of it as being severe enough to be a -5. On my hypomanic days, I find myself at a +3. I struggle to control my spending, and I have a hard time judging if the action I’m taking are risky or not, but I’ve never hallucinated or had delusions. That’s not to say I don’t get a little paranoid about certain things, because I’m always thinking about, “that person is talking shit about my outfit, I just know it!” On a normal day, I actually sit at about a -1. seriously. I have a hard time finding a lot of positivity in my life because I’m always on edge, always ready for a fight, and always thinking about what my mom said, or what that one person is thinking about me.
• Changes in Diet-It makes sense that what you eat can effect how you feel, but it’s not something I consciously think about. According to multiple online sources (google it if you really want to find them), you should avoid caffeine, high fat meals, and salt if you take any meds that are not lithium or lithium based. (Low salt diets can apparently cause a build up of lithium in the blood stream). If you take MAO inhibitors (check your meds to find out) you should apparently avoid overly ripe bananas and banana peels, tap beer, fermented cheese, aged meat, some wines, and soy sauce. Also, grapefruit and grapefruit juices can be bad in regards to medication, but I got bored reading the article, so go look it up yourself. Point is, what you put in your body can and will effect the rest of you.
• Menstrual Cycle-Of course I have to add this! Don’t be a whiny bitch about it either. “But, Pixie, periods are gross. No one wants to talk about those.” No, toxic and fragile masculinity have taught society not to talk about it, but I give 0 fucks about your toxic and fragile masculinity. 49.58% of the world are genetically female (genetically, as in the order of the chromosomes of which you are born with, please don’t get offended). Only a small portion of these individuals will not experience a menstrual cycle in their lives, and that’s usually caused by underlying health issues and disorders that don’t actually pertain to the lack of a period. Anyways, there are a lot of factors that come into play when you contemplate how the menstrual cycle affects an individual. PMS, PMDD, menopause, cramps, nausea, endometriosis, uterine fibroids, menorrhagia, not to mention the cost of having a freaking period can be very stressful to people.
• Relationships-Relationships are very important to us as a species. We rely heavily on our social interactions for the connection to people. We need others to release stress, to find enjoyment in life, and to just have someone to hang out with so we don’t feel so alone all of the time. Keeping track of the relationships in our lives is only logical. It helps to notice the trends in these relationships, such as if you realize your constantly fighting with someone and they don’t bring any joy to your life, maybe it’s time to cut them out. If you have a friend that you notice is always there for you when you need them without judgement, it could be a good idea to improve the relationship by showing them how much you appreciate them.
• Stressors-Did something completely unexpected or out of the blue happen to you? Maybe it was expected, but you’ve come to the conclusion that it’s going to be a massive change in your life. Keep track of what those are and when they happen, and then make doubly sure to track your behavior afterward to ensure that you can recognize if you are falling into a depressive episode or a hypomanic/manic episode. These changes can be unexpected medical concerns, moving, getting a new job, maybe school is getting harder than you planned for, or you find our your pregnant, or your getting married. It can be anything. Literally, anything. One stressor I have that seems like it shouldn’t be a stressor is the weather. Changes in the weather can drastically affect my mood and anxiety levels. So, if you think that something might be a stressor for you, make sure to make a note of it.

Along with every list of what you should keep track of, you should also include a list of ways to manage symptoms. It’s almost completely useless to look for the patterns of your behavior if you have no intentions of doing anything about it. If you notice that the colder months also bring along with them your more depressive moods, it’s a good idea to plan ways to manage your depression rather than just monitoring it. I think the best way to handle this is if you have a notebook, keep your management list at the beginning of it, so if you feel a depressive or manic episode coming on, you can flip right to the front and find your inspiration for what to do next.

• Control Stress-Both ends of the bipolar mood scale have anxiety related symptoms. Finding a way to control the stress, or at least your reaction to the stress, can be extremely helpful in maintaining a healthy and happy life. Some people meditate, others use visualization techniques, and the more active people find yoga helpful. Almost everyone knows to avoid the stressful situations, but that’s not always possible. A really relaxing TLC night might be just what you need to let the stress melt away. In my case, a nice dose of CBD oil before soaking in a hot bubble bath is amazing for helping take the edge of the day off enough for me to sleep. (Speaking of which, remind me to restock my CBD oil).
• Keep a Regular Schedule-It’s been proven by many different doctors that maintaining a consistent schedule reduces anxiety, because people on a schedule know what to expect through out the day. It also can help said people eat right, exercise regularly, and make sure to take any vitamins or meds, even when they feel to depressed to get out of bed.
• Practice Healthy Sleep Habits-This is dumb, absolutely stupid. “Don’t say that, Pixie.” You’re right, it’s not dumb, I’m just not good at it. Seriously, my inability to have a healthy sleep schedule should be considered a master skill at this point in my life, however, it’s so very important to your physical and mental well being to get good, regular sleep. You can attempt to accomplish this by first throwing your phone across the room! Not really but it’s widely known that too much phone activity before bed really does affect your ability to fall and stay asleep, so maybe put it away a half hour before bed and stick to reading. (I know you book nerds are telling me that doesn’t help but it’s often better than your phone) You could also try listening to relaxing music, taking a bubble bath, and make sure that you only use your bedroom for sleeping (and sex but…). Sticking to your sleep schedule will also help your body attribute that specific time to sleeping. If you still find it hard to fall asleep and stay asleep, then you should look into other ways to trigger sleep. Take melatonin, or talk to your doc about your insomnia. I also use CBD oil, and from the research I’ve done, it’s actually a really great alternative to treating less severe symptoms of mental health illness. Research is still new, and the more severe symptoms are thus far alleviated, but are not treated to a quality extent.
• Get Moving-I am a hypocrite. That should have been the first obvious thing you learned about me as I wrote this blog that I didn’t outwardly tell you. “Why?” Well, I know exercise is good for you, and for people with mental health issues, it can produce vital brain chemicals that some of us would otherwise have a really hard time achieving. However, I am lazy and unmotivated, and I never seem to find anything I like to do enough to turn it into regular exercise. I walk a lot, but not in an exercising sort of way, more in a “I got to pace my anxiety away” way. I don’t get a chance to go to the pool, especially lately, I’m not much for jogging, I find yoga too tedious, and I make a shit ton of empty excuses in the hopes that I won’t have to do the things that are good for me. If you find the motivation to get some exercise, try doing it outside, like walking or jogging. Sunlight gives you vitamin D, which is good for your health! (Ugh)
• No Caffeine, Alcohol, Drugs-As I’ve already said, but will say again for emphasis, avoid caffeine. Do I follow this piece of advise? Hell no, but I pay for it every time. My anxiety spikes and my hypomanic symptoms get worse. Alcohol, especially if your binging it instead of enjoying it in moderation, can and will drastically affect the chemicals your body produces. It also can fuck up your meds (if your on them) which if your me, will cause you to drop into severe depression. This is also why you shouldn’t take drugs that aren’t prescribed to you by your doctor. You don’t know how that will affect your already fucked up brain chemistry, and many drugs go so far as to damage your internal organs and kill you (please don’t die, I like you too much). Of course, this excludes certain medical and recreational substances that doctors may tell you might be beneficial to you *hint, hint.* I live in Wyoming, where such substances are still illegal, but I I’ve been *cough* advised *cough* that said substances might be beneficial to my mental health. Do with that what you will.
• Write it down-If you didn’t catch this from the very beginning I’m a little disappointed in you. The whole point of this is to write down what your going through so that you can identify triggers, notice habits, and act on extreme episodes before they get too out of control.

Dragon has been out of town the past two weeks and I have a lot I want to talk to her about, but I have to wait and it drives me insane. The woman deserves her vacation time, but I miss my weekly sessions of being able to vent to her about my mom.

That is unfortunately all I can think to write about today. I’m also a little out of (sleep deprivation and CBD oil usage to relax) and I’m sure these past few paragraphs don’t sound as solidly put together as my first few paragraphs, so I’m going to go and hopefully get some much needed rest.

Please consider helping support this blog by donating, or becoming a subscribing member. I’ve finally come up with something I think subscribers will love, but it won’t be for another two weeks before I can get it put together (got a lot going on).

Fly high, my wonderful Chimers!

“Never laugh at live dragons.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien