Welcome back, my Chime, to Diary of a Bipolar Pixie, I am Pixie, I am bipolar, I am the host, and I have a lot to spill all over this wonderful blog. Since this is the actually diary post, let’s get into the right format.
May 17th, 2021 Dear Diary
Y’all, I am pissed the fuck off. Do you want to know why? Oh, you definitely want to know why. My mother! My holier than though, always has to be right, never does anything wrong, places blame on everyone else, has stepped her size 6 fucking foot over the goddamn line. I legitimately almost strangled her fucking moronic ass this weekend. I had a busy week. I worked until 8 most nights, went to some school events, and hung out with friends. I haven’t been at her house longer than a night to sleep, then I’m back on my feet running like a chicken again. Finally, on Saturday afternoon, I was home before 8, and what happened when I got home? My mother stopped me in the living room to yell at me for leaving the house a mess, getting up early to go to school, but not clean, and, this is the big one, and being so selfish as to have a mental health disorder.
You read that right, and yes, it is just as fucked up as it sounds. My mother told me that my father was too afraid to reprimand me for anything (despite the fact that he did so regularly) because he was worried it would send me into a suicidal spiral. Then she said I was selfish for putting my father through that, when his sister had already done that to him. (My dad’s sister committed suicide when she was 18, long before I was born.)
I’m still speechless, and so fucking pissed off. I’m seriously getting blamed for having mental health issues? I don’t even know how to handle that statement, where to go with that. I’m so pissed off and hurt by that one. I cried for hours, while she called me emotional and sensitive like that’s a bad thing, and then she flipped a switch like nothing happened and asked me if I wanted to watch tv with her. I can’t mentally handle her untreated bipolar mood swings anymore! I want to move but currently have no fucking way out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
If anyone has any reasonable ways to respond to this, I’d love to hear them, because I’m still at a complete loss for what to do or say at this point. I’m working on moving out, so try something else. I can’t hit my mom, or I totally would go with that option. I can’t afford to get kicked out until I can find somewhere else to go. I can’t talk to her about what she said, because it’s only going to cause a fight about how she is the only one in the house who has a right to say anything, or she’ll yell that I’m just thinking she’s the bad guy because she’s the only one in the house who eve says anything. I’m just so tired of her shit and I want out so bad it’s killing me.
June 16, 2021 Dear Diary
I’m fucking exhausted. Last week I official started my full time summer position, so I’m up at 6:30 in the morning, and crawl into bed around 11, sometimes midnight, even later on really bad nights. I get all my work done, while taking classes part time, and I get home to help feed cows, do laundry, wash dishes, sweep floors, vacuum carpets, eat dinner, and then crawl into bed. I’m trying to stay productive and on top of my work, but I’m getting so tired.
Part of the problem is, my mother won’t get off my ass. Nothing is good enough for her. If I swept all the floors, I should have mopped them too. If I manage to scrounge up some food, then I should have made something for everyone else even though they all said they weren’t hungry. I may have washed, dried, and folded one whole load in an afternoon, but I didn’t go into everyone’s rooms and gather their dirty fucking laundry.
I’m not happy. I also kind of snapped. Mom and I had a huge blow up fight where we both said a lot of things with the intention of hurting each other. I managed to get a lot off my chest, but I also discovered a lot about my mother. For example, she’s not actually bipolar. She’s never been diagnosed. I don’t know where she got her idea that she was but when I brought up that she’s a terrible person who should be medicated and go to therapy, she said she’s been to therapy for depression, and isn’t medicated because she isn’t technically bipolar. I then got my ass chewed by my dad for attacking his wife like I did, and now I feel so out of place in my own house because even my dad won’t defend me against her. I’m tired and I’m not sure where I’m going next or why I’m still trying some days.
June 23, 2021 Dear Diary
A lot of things have changed in the past 2, is it 2, yeah, 2 weeks. For starters, Wolfie broke up with me. He determined that dating me was too stressful for him. I questioned it, because I thought I was a fairly laid back, didn’t require a lot of attention, texted back fairly quickly. What apparently really stressed him out was the idea of moving here. Mind you, I’ve told him numerous times to not move, that it was a bad idea, because we could break up and he could get stuck here and resent me for it. He said he knew I’d been saying that, but still felt our relationship was still too much to handle and decide it was enough. I took it well, didn’t cry or scream or throw a hissy fit, like I would have in the past. Part of me wonders if it may be because I never really connected to the idea of him being my boyfriend, and always just thought of him as my friend, or if it was how he handle it in a mature “I’m the one with the issues” kind of way.
Whatever it is, I’m single again, which has given me a unique opportunity. In my therapy sessions, Dragon and I have been working on understanding myself more. What is it I really want out of life? What makes me happy? What upsets me? I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am bisexual. It wasn’t obvious too me before. I mean, I always thought girls were pretty, admired how they did their makeup or their hair, loved their body confidence, loved watching TikToks where girls danced to fun songs, but I never considered it as being attracted to them. It was a sudden conclusion that came when I was watching a TikTok and I was more excited to see the girl transition into this incredibly beautiful goddess of a woman than I was the guys who I’d previously been attracted. I started looking more into this attraction, allowing myself to actually feel what I realized I was repressing, and took into consideration some of the friendships I’d had in the past. I hate to admit it sometimes, but I realized there were a lot of female friends of mine that I was attracted to, but small town Wyoming, straight is the only way to be, so I assumed that’s just how friends felt about each other.
After two weeks of thinking and researching, and this being Pride Month, I have concluded I am bisexual, and I may even be pansexual, but I won’t know for certain, because I’ve never been a position to find out. I might even be androsexual (we discussed that being the attraction to masculinity) because I find myself highly attracted to top energy masculine lesbians. However, I do love the pretty feminine girls, so maybe I just lean towards the masculine dominant type.
Anyways, this has brought me to my next development in life. I reached out to an ex friend to apologize. She was a really sweet girl in middle school, who at the time, was dating the guy who would rape me two years later. We were all really good friends, but the beginning of freshman year, the two broke up and the guy was so charming and so manipulative he convinced everyone around him that they broke up because she was crazy and toxic. I had to date the guy myself the find out the truth and by then the damage was already done. The friendship I had with the girl was destroyed and we never talked again.
Until a few days ago. I was, and still am, on several dating sites, when I came across her profile, and my guilt and shame resurfaced. So, I made the decision to friend her on facebook so that I could apologize, and it went surprisingly well. Because we dated the same guy and had similar experiences, she and I were able to understand it wasn’t our fault we drifted apart and had some really shit things happen to us, it was his. Now, we’re at a point where we can talk again, and if one of us is dealing with the traumatic memories of it, we have the other we can turn to for support. It’s so freeing and so liberating to not feel guilty over something that was never my fault in the first place.
I also did a monthly check up on a friend of mine from college. She’s a fantastic person, if a bit of a narcist. I adore her, since she’s one of the few people I’ve managed to stay in contact with for several years now. She is now in a relationship with a man from Wyoming (she’s living in Colorado) who’s only a few miles away from where I live. She’s excited about the prospect because that just gives her even more reasons to come visit me. I wonder if it should hurt my feelings that she’s only willing to travel this way because of a man and not just for me, but it doesn’t, because I know that’s just how she is.
Another quick update, the parents are going on a two week long trip to Indiana! That means I don’t have to deal with being yelled at, or talked down to, I can clean and keep things in order at my own pace and not at my mother’s grueling level. I’m so ready for this. Leppy and I are planning on partying a little, going to the lake, going shopping, I might even get another piercing (gotta appease them mental break down gods somehow). I’m desperately excited, but I think I would be even more excited if I had the opportunity to go out on a date with someone, anyone (well not actually anyone). I want to kiss and hug someone, and I have a bucket list of things I want to do before I’m 25 (only two years and two months to go), that I would love to get done in the next two weeks.
That’s all I have for my updates for now, I will continue to journal and keep track of what happens, and maybe it’s mildly entertaining enough to get you crazy wonderful weirdos to come back and read more!
Until next time, fly high my Chimers!
Diary of a Bipolar Pixie 