Bipolar Blunders: Part 3

Pixie is back with the Bipolar Blunders! I knew you members of my glorious Chime would be hella excited for this installment, because I am continuing on with my previous topic of female serial killers! Please, please, hold your applause while I randomly decide which bitch is next on this crazy killers callout! (I don’t know what I’m saying right now, I’m pretty sure the caffeine hit me really hard this morning and I have zero ability to hold back.)

First up on today’s list is…. Debra Brown!

Debra Brown was born in 1962, and from all accounts, was a nice enough girl. She suffered from some mental issues due to head trauma as a child, but she seemed to do well, and as she was entering adult hood, she had close ties with her family and was engaged.

However, at 21, she was easily manipulated by a man named Alton Coleman, and soon after meeting the 28-year-old man, she called off the engagement, and moved out of her families house so she could live with Alton. This decision would be one of the stupidest decisions of her life, but just one. See, Alton was facing trial at the time for sexually assaulting a girl half his age, which did not bode well for the future of the couple. They decided they didn’t want to risk Alton going to jail, so the two decided to make a run for it.

On the run from the law, and with nothing else for Alton to lose, the man introduced Debra to his favorite hobby, the one that got him into so much trouble in the first place. They started their rape and killing campaign in Kenosha, Wisconsin. The couple settled in the African American community there in the hopes of blending in and getting closer to their victims. This is how Debra was able to befriend the first unsuspecting girl the couple targeted, 9-year-old Juanita Wheat. They abducted the girl in May of 1984 and drove to Waukegan, Illinois, where they dumped her body not far from Alton’s grandmother’s house. The girl was found three weeks after she was abducted, and it was discovered the poor child was raped and strangled.

(I hope Satan strangles them for eternity with their own intestines!) Oh, sorry, I must have dozed off for a second, where was I? Right, the couple were in Illinois, where they stayed with Alton’s grandmother for a while. Afterwards, they traveled to Gary, Indiana, where they continued their horrific hobby, this time, upping the excitement by preying on two young girls, Tamika and Annie Turks, 7 and 9-years-old. One afternoon in June, the girls were headed home after spending their allowances at the candy store, when Debra and Alton stopped them to ask if they wanted free clothes. Well, of course they did, so Debra led them into the woods to retrieve the fake clothing, and that’s when the adults struck. They ripped Tamika’s shirt off, tore it into strips, then used the strips to force the girls to be quiet. Tamika cried, which caused Debra and Alton to attack her viciously, holding her nose and mouth shut and stomping on her chest, effectively killing the small child. They following this gruesome act by sexually assaulting Annie and telling her if she didn’t what they said, they would kill her too. When they’d finally stopped their assault, they choked her unconscious and disappeared again. Annie woke up, but was barely able to make it back to the road to get help. Tamika wasn’t found until the next day, her poor lifeless body broken and bruised.

This didn’t slow the duo down, no way. Instead, they seemed to grow bolder. Only a day after brutally attacking the two little girls, Alton and Debra struck again, this time targeting Donna Williams of Gary, Indiana. The couple raped and strangled the young woman and left her body and car to rot in Detroit, Michigan. She wasn’t found until a month after her abduction.

Dearborn Heights, Michigan was the next stop on the couples deadly tour of the Midwest, where the couple attacked and robbed the Palmers, but they didn’t kill or rape them, according to reports, but they did take the family car and head straight to Toledo, Ohio. In Toledo, Debra and Alton broke into the Temple home, where the raped and strangled the mother and oldest daughter, but left the younger children alone. The children were discovered after relatives became worried that Ms. Temple wasn’t answering her phone. Police learned that a bracelet was missing from the jewelry box.

Onward, the couple continued, to the house of the Duvendacks, who were beaten and held hostage in their home, but managed to survive the attacks as the killing pair left with stolen goods and the car. From their, Debra and Alton found their way to Cincinnati, where they raped and killed Tonnie Storey, and left behind one familiar bracelet. It was after this murder that Alton was added the FBI Top Ten Most Wanted List, but the couple wasn’t nearly finished with their fucked up ideas of summer fun.

The duo travelled to Norwood, Ohio, where the managed to enter the Walters’ residence. They hit Harry Walters in the head hard enough to knock him unconscious, but not hard enough to kill him, and while her husband was incapacitated, the two proceeded to rape, beat, and murder Marlene Walters. Debra and Alton stole the car, some money, and valuables, and fled to Kentucky.

In Kentucky, they kidnapped a professor, held him in the trunk of the car, and drove to Dayton, Ohio, where they then abandoned the car and the professor. Thankfully, the professor was rescued before he could incur to much more damage.

They couple returned to the home of a minister and his wife that had kindly helped the couple earlier in their travels, and threatened them with a gun, but left with only the car. From their they drove to Indianapolis, Indiana, where they carjacked and murdered a 75-year-old man, before making their way to Evanston, Illinois.

The duo were finally arrested in Evanston, after 2 months and 8 murders, but the process of convicting the two was a struggle, thanks to the multi-state spree they went on. They were tried separately in each state, which culminated in multiple death sentences each, and over 140 years to be served. Alton was executed in Ohio, in 2002, but Debra escaped death because she had a severely low IQ, despite the fact that she wrote a letter and sent it to the judge the expressed her joy in killing all the people she killed.

I believe, 100% that attacking children and animals are the two worst crimes in the entire world. To me, these are the most innocent creatures who should be cherished and cared for as carefully and lovingly as possible. To hurt, torture, or darken these beautiful souls is an act that should leave you screaming in the darkest most awful pits of hell. And yet, I continue to go on with these stories as if they’re not going to hurt me or piss me off anymore.

Who is next on our list of female serial killers? Why, it’s Carol M. Bundy, one of the Sunset Strip Killers.

She was born Carol Mary Peters, the second child in her family, who somehow in her adulthood managed to repress every bad memory of her parents. Her father was an alcoholic who traveled the country to fix movie theaters, and her mother was a hairdresser, neither very extravagant or well known, but both held their children to higher standards than they could reach themselves. These were hard bars to reach, especially for Carol, who was an awkward girl.

Carol’s mother, Gladys, was extremely abusive, and lashed out violently when Carol couldn’t keep up with her standards. There are accounts of Gladys beating her children so severely that it took a grown man’s full strength to drag her off of them. Once when Carol was eight, Gladys even locked the girl out of the house, yelling that the vile child couldn’t possibly be hers. Carol’s father, Charles, had to get involved to let her back into the house, because Gladys wouldn’t open the door.

At a young age, Carol learned that staying calm and staying in control when under pressure would save her. Carol’s sister even remembers a time Gladys attacked Carol with a belt, but Carol wouldn’t look away from the book she was reading, effectively refusing to acknowledge the beating she was taking, which appeared to have allowed her to survive, and even thrive through the situation. She carried these lessons into the rest of her life.

Despite protecting his daughters from Gladys’s rage early in life, everything changed when the woman of the house died. Charles returned home from the hospital immediately after and supposedly the first thing he said to his daughters was that they would have to take their mother’s place in his bed. That night he first molested Carol’s younger sister, and the next day, he molested Carol. This continued until Charles remarried eight months later, and though he stopped sexually abusing his children, his physical and mental abuse continued on. He regularly called Carol nasty names, degraded her and belittled her. In an attempt to receive any positive attention, Carol had regular sexual relationships with boys from school, and even a bus driver on one occasion.

Once, she came home from school to find the house empty of life, and only a dead cat on the carpet. Her father arrived home not too long after and told her he’d planned to kill the whole family, but Carol’s step mother managed to get the gun away from him, only accidentally allowing one round to go off, which hit the cat. The sisters were taken into foster care, then moved in with their grandmother, who then gave them to their uncle, who finally returned them to their father less than a year after the incident.

Carol finally had enough, and at seventeen she married a much older man to escape. However, the man was a raging drunk, and Carol divorced him to marry her second husband, Richard Geis. Richard was a writer and encouraged Carol to explore her creative side. Carol showed signs of being very talented, but for some reason, she never stuck with any project long enough to finish it, which frustrated Richard.

Then her father hung himself. In the wake of this event, Carol’s self loathing and grief caused her to search for more positive attention, and she began sleeping with women. She formed a pattern, sleeping with a woman, until that woman hurt her, then she slept with a man, until he hurt her too, and returning to a woman. The cycle ended when she grew bored and finally returned to her husband.

Richard could see that Carol was struggling, and he would claim to want to help her, but didn’t know how. They got a divorce after he discovered she was sleeping around, but he wanted to stay friends with her so he paid for her to go to nursing school. She was even valedictorian, and it looked as if she was pulling her life together.

Soon after becoming a nurse, she met Grant Bundy, also a nurse, and they got married. It seemed like she was going to finally have a fulfilling and happy life, until she had her first child, Chris. Grant became abusive towards her, supposedly because after having their child, Carol’s eyesight deteriorated rapidly, and Grant realized he might have to take care of her as well as their child. Carol left for a brief time to have an affair with a woman, but returned after she spent thousands of dollars on her lover. Unfortunately for Carol, this only escalated the abuse, as Grant became enraged upon discovering Carol’s secret. Carol finally fled to a shelter with her two sons, and later found an apartment for them to stay in.

The managers of the apartment complex were a married couple Jeanette and Jack Murray. Jack was a regular adulterer, but his type was usually blonde, and Carol was a brunette, so Jeanette didn’t think much of letting Jack help Carol around the apartment. Jack loved it, because as he fixed pipes, or replaced hinges, he told Carol stories of his childhood in Australia. During some of these visits, Carol shared her own life story with Jack, telling him about her abusive husbands and how terrible it was to be blind and a single mother. Jack took pity on the woman, and even helped her find some solutions to her problems. In just a few months, Carol was on disability and scheduled for eye surgery. To her, Jack was her savior, and she became obsessed with him. In short time, the two were have a sexual affair, meeting in empty apartments Jack was fixing, or even in the back of his van as he drove her to doctor’s appointments. Jeanette didn’t suspect a thing. Jack was, after all, only into blonde beautiful women. Why should she worry about Carol.

Convinced that Jack loved her as much as she loved him, Carol began planning for ways for them to be together. She created a joint bank account with him, talked with him about leaving together, and supposedly even made plans for them to elope once he divorced Jeanette. Jack always made an excuse though. At first, he didn’t want to leave because he and Jeanette were tied together to tightly financially speaking, and he couldn’t buy his way out on his own, so Carol lent him money, thinking he was using it to pay for lawyers and such. Then he said that Jeanette had cancer, and he couldn’t possibly leave her while she was dying. Plus, if they waited until she’d succumbed to the disease, they wouldn’t have to go to court for their assets. Sadly, the hospital bills were eating away at his savings, so Carol lent him more money.

Carol, in this time, wanted to show Jack how much she loved him, so she booked a hotel in Las Vegas for herself and her lover, and claimed to Jeanette it was just her way of showing her appreciation. This was about the time Jeanette must have realized what was happening between Carol and her husband. The two left on the trip, saw a show together, but then Jack disappeared and Carol only saw him again when it was time to fly home. He dropped her off in a hurry, and after a while, Jeanette was banging on the door with Carol’s forgotten luggage in hand. Supposedly, Jeanette was extremely hostile towards Carol in the exchange, and Carol decided then to broach the subject of Jeanette’s cancer, thinking Jack must have gotten bad news about Jeanette diagnosis. Jeanette shocked Carol when she said she’d never had cancer.

I think Jeanette realized slowly what was happening between Carol and Jack, but refused to acknowledge it until Jack agreed to go on vacation with Carol. I also think Jeanette called him while he was in Vegas to give him an ultimatum. I think she told him that if he continued to have a relationship with Carol, then Jeanette would file for divorce, which is why Jack became so distant so fast. It would also explain what happened next in Carol’s story.

Shortly after her conversation with Jeanette, she confronted Jack. She asked if he was leaving Jeanette, he said no. She asked what happened to all of her money, since it was obviously not going to lawyer fees and doctor bills, he said he used it to pay off his car. Carol was furious, but she still believed he loved her, so in a last ditch effort to win Jack over, she dressed up real nice and visited the bar he frequented, only to have her hopes dashed to pieces. On the dancefloor of the bar, Jack was dancing with his beautiful, smiling wife, and her heart broke.

It didn’t last long though. Across the room, she caught the eye of the only other overly dressed individual in the building, Doug Clark. Doug was charming and handsome, asked Carol to dance, and then spent the rest of the night making her feel like the center of the world. When he dropped her off at home, she knew she would see him again, and she was right.

A few days later, Doug called and invited himself to Carol house for dinner. Carol was hesitant, as she was normally very careful about letting her lovers around her boys, but they enjoyed Doug’s company, which only solidified Carol’s obsession with him. Then, in the evening, after dinner was cleaned up and the boys had tuckered themselves out playing, Doug helped tuck them into bed. He spent the rest of the night in Carol’s bed, and Carol would go on to say it was the best time she ever had.

Doug, however, had a lot on his mind the next morning. He was worried because of a disagreement with his landlord and wondered if he could move some things into her apartment, to which she immediately agreed. Doug was charming and romantic, and Carol was convinced she’d found a real catch in him.

But that didn’t stop her from obsessing over Jack. Yes, he’d rejected her, multiple times, but she couldn’t throw away everything they’d already been through. So, she continued to call him, leave him gifts and try her best to convince him to leave his wife. Jack eventually reached a breaking point with her advances, and demanded she find a new apartment. She wasn’t welcome in the building complex anymore. Reluctantly, Carol find a new place to live a few miles away, and Jeanette and Jack moved all of her furniture in in a weekend. Jack still visited from time to time, to have sex with the lonely woman and leave.

Doug moved with Carol once she moved apartments, and he and Jack immediately took a disliking to each other. Carol loved, she viewed the dislike as signs of jealousy from her two lovers. Then Doug discovered Carol was still giving Jack money and gifts and he became enraged. He demanded that she stop seeing him, stop giving him anything, and close the joint account she still had open. She managed to “forget” most of these demands.

The rest of her relationship with Doug was a crazy roller coaster, which I’m going to give in a much shorter version. The two explored their sexual fantasies, Carol liked bondage and being dominated, Doug liked fantasizing about kidnapping and murder. Carol became complacent in Doug’s ideas for her, and when he asked if she would ever kill for him, she said yes. Throughout their time together, he would appear and be everything she wanted, then he would disappear for days at time. He would return with new fantasies, which Carol happily helped him explore.

When they became even more comfortable with each other, Doug’s true colors showed. He abused her children, even described how he would kill them right in front of the children. The boys became emotionally unstable and terrified for their lives every minute that Doug was there, because it was obvious to them that their mother wouldn’t protect them from her lover.

Carol got a new job, a nursing job, and with her new income, she also gained the confidence to get her license. Then she was able to buy a car, which Doug picked out for her. It was too big for her, she had poor eye sight still and the massive vehicle had too many blind spots, so it was no wonder that scratched it while trying to park one day, which infuriated Doug. She ended up getting a second car for herself, but kept the first for Doug.

Doug was unfaithful to Carol, ended up finding himself a girlfriend on the side who was very much like Carol, single mother, no confidence, and he took full advantage of that, even going so far as to move out of Carol’s apartment to live with her. Unfortunately for him, she had enough confidence to realize she was being used, and kicked him out, which is how he ended up back in Carol’s apartment. Carol realized she couldn’t be with this man and take care of her children, so she petitioned for Grant to receive full custody of them. A few months later, the boys were on a plane to their grandparents house.

During these months, something else changed. Doug stopped fantasizing about murder, and one evening, he showed up at Carol’s apartment covered in blood. She cleaned him up and made excuses for him, and even chose to believe him when he said his girlfriend’s ex had attacked them and he’d been forced to defend himself, but the man got away. A few weeks later, when he showed up again covered in blood, he said he’d run into the ex, and they’d gotten into another fight. Carol refused to doubt him, until one day when she came home, and Doug had left her note saying he needed the car to help his girlfriend with something. Carol also needed that car, so she drove to the girlfriend’s apartment to swap vehicles with Doug. In the back, she found a bag of dirty clothes, blankets, and towels. She washed the clothes and dumped the rest before confronting Doug. That’s when he told her the truth.

The first night he’d showed up covered in blood, he said he’d been driving down Sunset Boulevard when he say a beautiful blonde woman and instantly became aroused. He pulled over, started enjoying himself, and when she walked up, he offered her forty dollars to give him a blow job, which she agreed to. They drove to a quieter spot, and as she was getting into position, he stabbed her in the neck. She started fighting back, even got his knife away from him, got out of the car and started running. The woman lived, and was able to describe her attacker to the police, and at some point was able to identify Doug. A week later, he copied the scenario, but this time, he succeeded in killing the prostitute. He then told Carol that the bloody clothes belonged to two teenage girls he’d killed and defiled after they were dead. The girls were runaways, regulars on the streets, and had accepted a ride from Doug to get across town in exchange for whatever he wanted. In the time, he shot one girl in the head, the other in the chest, but when they didn’t die immediately, he shot them again, took them to a storage locker he rented and treated their bodies like his own personal dolls that he could use how he wanted.

Cue the horrific dry heaving. What the fuck did I just read? I knew people were fucked up but this is a whole new level.

Carol didn’t react in disgust, instead she was grateful that Doug would tell her and not his girlfriend. She felt like his confidant, his partner in crime, and all she’d done was was some dirty clothes. The next weekend, she called the cops anonymously to report what she’d heard, but they thought she was messing with them, so they ignored her.

Carol and Doug went out a few nights later to perform their first kill together. They picked up a young prostitute, who they decided would either give Doug a blow job, or Carol would kill her, but the prostitute couldn’t do the job, so Doug decided to shoot her ad they dumped her out of town off the side of the road. The next week, Doug went out on his own, met a group of three, but when none of them would get in, he decided to circle back around a few hours later. One of the women was still there, so he picked her up, took her to an empty lot, and while she was going down on him, he shot her. She clenched, bit him, and he got so angry about it, he shoved her out of the car and then cut off her head. He went back to find her friends, picked up one, and shot her next. He didn’t find the third woman so he left.

Carol became extremely attached to Doug. She felt special, even if he never said a nice word to her anymore, because he told her all of his darkest secrets. To her, it felt more intimate than sex. During these talks, they realized the risk of being caught, and ended up selling Doug’s car to his coworker.

Their relationship deteriorated quickly. Carol could do no right in Doug’s eyes, no matter how hard she tried. She did her best to help him hide evidence, discard body parts, buy new supplies, but she always did it wrong. She also learned that Doug was infatuated with the eleven-year-old neighbor girl. He even convinced the girl on several occasions to go driving with him to pick up prostitutes. He assaulted her for several months, sometimes with Carol present to participate.

Meanwhile, it was getting harder for the duo to pick up girls. Sunset Boulevard was filled with extra cautious women who knew getting into a car might get them killed and they weren’t willing to risk it.

Carol couldn’t hold it together anymore. Doug hated her unless a child was present, and the only connection they had were the murders, which wasn’t strong enough to make him want to stay. She couldn’t focus at work, couldn’t do her job, maintain connections, or please anyone, so one day after work, she tried to kill herself by giving herself lethal doses of medication. She’d called Doug first in the hopes he would come to save her, but he didn’t, then she called her work and told them not to expect her in the next day, she was committing suicide. Her boss called Doug, which is when he decided to call 911, who arrived just in time to save her. Carol ended up calling Jack to pick her up form the hospital.

The next day, Carol went to talk with Jack, but decided to drop the neighbor girl off with Doug before leaving. Doug took the girl and picked up a prostitute, received oral while the young girl watched, and then drove the girl home with the prostitute in the car. He told Carol that he later drove to a secluded spot, received oral again, and the shot the woman in the head. When she was dead, he defiled her body and then dumped it somewhere.

The day after that, Carol picked up the girl again, but this time took her to see Jack. Carol wanted to have sex with Jack, but Jack wouldn’t unless there was another woman present, and Carol only knew the neighbor girl. Jack was instantly obsessed with the child and groped all over her, but Carol wouldn’t let him rape her, since the girl was really Doug’s and she didn’t want to spoil her.

A day after that, Carol met with Jack again, and this time told him everything about what she and Doug did. She wanted his help, his advice, and she wanted sex again. This time, though, if he had sex with her, she would let him have the neighbor girl. Jack said they should meet at the bar after it closed, and she agreed. She was there, right on time, and jumped in with him. They drove to an isolated lot, and Jack immediately stripped. He told Carol to get in his favorite position, and then made sure to tell her that he wanted that little girl. That’s when Carol snapped. She instructed Jack of what position she wanted him in, on his belly, and then she shot him twice. She was thrilled at her own power and then stabbed him several times in the back. Worried that police might be able to trace the bullets in his head, she cut off and carried it home with her.

On her way home, she called Doug to tell him what she did. When she arrived, there were paramedics in the parking lot, who told her Doug’s newest girlfriend had had a seizure, and Carol calmly asked if there was anything she could do to help, she was trained as a nurse after all. She didn’t even realize she had blood on herself until she was inside. She and Doug thought of a place to dump Jack’s head, which she ended up just throwing in a trash can on the other side of town.

Within a few days, investigations into the headless body left in the van were in full swing. They were able to identify it, and the primary suspect was immediately Jeanette Murray, the wife. Detectives thought she might have wised up to he husband’s infidelity and taken action. They talked with several regulars at the bar, learned that Jack had a new girlfriend in about every month, and proceeded to question the latest of his flings. The woman remembered leaving the bar shortly after it closed and watched a different woman, who she identified as Carol Bundy, get into his car.

So police ended up at Carol’s apartment to question her. Carol and Doug had already discussed what their alibi would be, and they got rid of the weapons in the house, but Carol deviated from the plan. She confessed to meeting with Jack on the night of his murder, but said she’d only wanted to confront him about the money he stole, and then she left to spend the night with Doug. Doug also said, she’d been with him all night, but with Carol’s deviation, something wasn’t adding up to the cops. Carol had also let it slip that she’d owned a gun of the same caliber as the shells the detectives found in the car, but claimed they’d sold the guns a while before.

Detectives weren’t buying it, but they also couldn’t pinpoint what was wrong with their statement. Later that day, Carol said that Doug abused her verbally, and that’s when she knew nothing she did would ever win him back and her mental state spiraled. She called up old lovers to ask if she could see them, but was rejected, which only made her feel worse, and then she showed up at work and started complaining to her boss. Her boss was used to Carol droning on about her abusive relationship and normally tuned her out, but when she caught words like “murder” and “killing” she started paying more attention, but by then, Carol had rambled on long enough and all the supervisor could remember hearing was that Carol was going home to call the cops.

Which she did. It took her several hours to get through to someone, but when she finally did, she told them everything. The police picked her up from her apartment, but she wouldn’t stop talking, even as they arrested her. She didn’t leave out a single detail of her life, of the killings, of Doug’s obsessions and perversions, and later that afternoon, the police picked up Doug and arrested him. Doug screamed and yelled at the cops, realizing what was happening and not being able to handle the loss of control. When they questioned him about what happened, they had to be sneaky, make him think it was his idea to confess or give up any information. When asked about his assault on the neighbor girl, he blamed her, calling her dirty names and saying she seduced him.

After the questioning, Carol was taken to a woman’s institute while the investigators looked for more evidence. At Doug’s place of work, they found both guns that Carol owned and linked them to many murders in the area, some Doug hadn’t fully admitted to, some of women who’s names no one ever knew. They also found the original car soaked in blood with more bullets and shells in it that linked to more murders. They had all the evidence they needed and finally decided to take the case to court.

While awaiting trial, Carol and Doug both wrote many letters of their innocence. Carol blamed her victims for being stupid and assholes, and blamed her father, mother, and previous lovers for their abuse on her, which she claimed drove her to the edge. Doug, on the other hand, claimed they had the wrong man, that obviously it was Jack who committed the original murders and Carol must have snapped and killed because of a lovers quarrel. Doug was innocent. No one believed this. The two also took the time to write each other letters. Carol said she still loved Doug, Doug alternated between trying to charm her into changing her statement, to threatening her. He even convinced a cellmate to befriend Carol and had the cellmate try to convince her to proclaim Doug’s innoncence.

Carol was also put under multiple psychological tests to determine if she by chance was ill, which may have led her to men like Doug. Carol herself was claiming innocence by reason of insanity, but the tests didn’t agree with that. Instead, they showed that Carol was highly intelligent, and manipulative. She did not have any neurological dysfunctions that they could find, but she did have a habit of blaming her own short comings on other people.

This is contradicts other research I’ve found. According to other articles, Carol took everything very personally. When her father died, she blamed herself because she wasn’t a good enough daughter. She also idealized her relationships with certain people. It took therapists months to uncover that her parents were extremely abusive towards her and her siblings because she told them they had been perfect and adoring parents.

Anyways, being determined that she was of sound mind, her defense advised her to change her plea, which she did, and she was sentenced to what would surmount to life in prison. There was a possibility for parole in 2015, but Carole died of heart complications in 2003.

Doug, on the other hand, had to be a pain in the ass. He managed to slow preceding by telling everyone he wanted to represent himself, which pissed off three lawyers and two judges, until finally someone agreed to let him. He gained a little bit of knowledge about defense proceedings, but without a proper education, the prosecutors tore his case to shreds and at one point, with the right prodding, they even got Doug to admit that he actually believed he was superior to everyone in the courtroom, including the lawyers and judge. He was found guilty, and given the death penalty. While on death row, he married a woman who would spend her free time claiming her new husband’s innocence. At one point, Doug even convinced Carol to give her psychological evaluation to his lawyers so they could use it to fight for Doug’s innocence. He’s still fighting to this day in a California prison.

Carol’s story was a lot longer than I expected, so I will not be discussing a third woman, like I originally planned. This was all very fucked up and now I’m mentally scarred. I’m going to go look at rainbows now and pray that these horrific people burn in hell.

If you want to continue to read crazy stories about psychotic bitches, subscribe to my blog, follow my social media feeds, or email and message me. I’m happy to get new readers, keeps me sane.

Any who, I must be off on my next adventure. Until next time, fly high, Chimers!

Diary of the Divine: Part 3

Welcome back, my Chime, to Diary of a Bipolar Pixie, I am Pixie, I am bipolar, I am the host, and I have a lot to spill all over this wonderful blog. Since this is the actually diary post, let’s get into the right format.

May 17th, 2021 Dear Diary

Y’all, I am pissed the fuck off. Do you want to know why? Oh, you definitely want to know why. My mother! My holier than though, always has to be right, never does anything wrong, places blame on everyone else, has stepped her size 6 fucking foot over the goddamn line. I legitimately almost strangled her fucking moronic ass this weekend. I had a busy week. I worked until 8 most nights, went to some school events, and hung out with friends. I haven’t been at her house longer than a night to sleep, then I’m back on my feet running like a chicken again. Finally, on Saturday afternoon, I was home before 8, and what happened when I got home? My mother stopped me in the living room to yell at me for leaving the house a mess, getting up early to go to school, but not clean, and, this is the big one, and being so selfish as to have a mental health disorder.

You read that right, and yes, it is just as fucked up as it sounds. My mother told me that my father was too afraid to reprimand me for anything (despite the fact that he did so regularly) because he was worried it would send me into a suicidal spiral. Then she said I was selfish for putting my father through that, when his sister had already done that to him. (My dad’s sister committed suicide when she was 18, long before I was born.)

I’m still speechless, and so fucking pissed off. I’m seriously getting blamed for having mental health issues? I don’t even know how to handle that statement, where to go with that. I’m so pissed off and hurt by that one. I cried for hours, while she called me emotional and sensitive like that’s a bad thing, and then she flipped a switch like nothing happened and asked me if I wanted to watch tv with her. I can’t mentally handle her untreated bipolar mood swings anymore! I want to move but currently have no fucking way out. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

If anyone has any reasonable ways to respond to this, I’d love to hear them, because I’m still at a complete loss for what to do or say at this point. I’m working on moving out, so try something else. I can’t hit my mom, or I totally would go with that option. I can’t afford to get kicked out until I can find somewhere else to go. I can’t talk to her about what she said, because it’s only going to cause a fight about how she is the only one in the house who has a right to say anything, or she’ll yell that I’m just thinking she’s the bad guy because she’s the only one in the house who eve says anything. I’m just so tired of her shit and I want out so bad it’s killing me.

June 16, 2021 Dear Diary

I’m fucking exhausted. Last week I official started my full time summer position, so I’m up at 6:30 in the morning, and crawl into bed around 11, sometimes midnight, even later on really bad nights. I get all my work done, while taking classes part time, and I get home to help feed cows, do laundry, wash dishes, sweep floors, vacuum carpets, eat dinner, and then crawl into bed. I’m trying to stay productive and on top of my work, but I’m getting so tired.

Part of the problem is, my mother won’t get off my ass. Nothing is good enough for her. If I swept all the floors, I should have mopped them too. If I manage to scrounge up some food, then I should have made something for everyone else even though they all said they weren’t hungry. I may have washed, dried, and folded one whole load in an afternoon, but I didn’t go into everyone’s rooms and gather their dirty fucking laundry.

I’m not happy. I also kind of snapped. Mom and I had a huge blow up fight where we both said a lot of things with the intention of hurting each other. I managed to get a lot off my chest, but I also discovered a lot about my mother. For example, she’s not actually bipolar. She’s never been diagnosed. I don’t know where she got her idea that she was but when I brought up that she’s a terrible person who should be medicated and go to therapy, she said she’s been to therapy for depression, and isn’t medicated because she isn’t technically bipolar. I then got my ass chewed by my dad for attacking his wife like I did, and now I feel so out of place in my own house because even my dad won’t defend me against her. I’m tired and I’m not sure where I’m going next or why I’m still trying some days.

June 23, 2021 Dear Diary

A lot of things have changed in the past 2, is it 2, yeah, 2 weeks. For starters, Wolfie broke up with me. He determined that dating me was too stressful for him. I questioned it, because I thought I was a fairly laid back, didn’t require a lot of attention, texted back fairly quickly. What apparently really stressed him out was the idea of moving here. Mind you, I’ve told him numerous times to not move, that it was a bad idea, because we could break up and he could get stuck here and resent me for it. He said he knew I’d been saying that, but still felt our relationship was still too much to handle and decide it was enough. I took it well, didn’t cry or scream or throw a hissy fit, like I would have in the past. Part of me wonders if it may be because I never really connected to the idea of him being my boyfriend, and always just thought of him as my friend, or if it was how he handle it in a mature “I’m the one with the issues” kind of way.

Whatever it is, I’m single again, which has given me a unique opportunity. In my therapy sessions, Dragon and I have been working on understanding myself more. What is it I really want out of life? What makes me happy? What upsets me? I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am bisexual. It wasn’t obvious too me before. I mean, I always thought girls were pretty, admired how they did their makeup or their hair, loved their body confidence, loved watching TikToks where girls danced to fun songs, but I never considered it as being attracted to them. It was a sudden conclusion that came when I was watching a TikTok and I was more excited to see the girl transition into this incredibly beautiful goddess of a woman than I was the guys who I’d previously been attracted. I started looking more into this attraction, allowing myself to actually feel what I realized I was repressing, and took into consideration some of the friendships I’d had in the past. I hate to admit it sometimes, but I realized there were a lot of female friends of mine that I was attracted to, but small town Wyoming, straight is the only way to be, so I assumed that’s just how friends felt about each other.

After two weeks of thinking and researching, and this being Pride Month, I have concluded I am bisexual, and I may even be pansexual, but I won’t know for certain, because I’ve never been a position to find out. I might even be androsexual (we discussed that being the attraction to masculinity) because I find myself highly attracted to top energy masculine lesbians. However, I do love the pretty feminine girls, so maybe I just lean towards the masculine dominant type.

Anyways, this has brought me to my next development in life. I reached out to an ex friend to apologize. She was a really sweet girl in middle school, who at the time, was dating the guy who would rape me two years later. We were all really good friends, but the beginning of freshman year, the two broke up and the guy was so charming and so manipulative he convinced everyone around him that they broke up because she was crazy and toxic. I had to date the guy myself the find out the truth and by then the damage was already done. The friendship I had with the girl was destroyed and we never talked again.

Until a few days ago. I was, and still am, on several dating sites, when I came across her profile, and my guilt and shame resurfaced. So, I made the decision to friend her on facebook so that I could apologize, and it went surprisingly well. Because we dated the same guy and had similar experiences, she and I were able to understand it wasn’t our fault we drifted apart and had some really shit things happen to us, it was his. Now, we’re at a point where we can talk again, and if one of us is dealing with the traumatic memories of it, we have the other we can turn to for support. It’s so freeing and so liberating to not feel guilty over something that was never my fault in the first place.

I also did a monthly check up on a friend of mine from college. She’s a fantastic person, if a bit of a narcist. I adore her, since she’s one of the few people I’ve managed to stay in contact with for several years now. She is now in a relationship with a man from Wyoming (she’s living in Colorado) who’s only a few miles away from where I live. She’s excited about the prospect because that just gives her even more reasons to come visit me. I wonder if it should hurt my feelings that she’s only willing to travel this way because of a man and not just for me, but it doesn’t, because I know that’s just how she is.

Another quick update, the parents are going on a two week long trip to Indiana! That means I don’t have to deal with being yelled at, or talked down to, I can clean and keep things in order at my own pace and not at my mother’s grueling level. I’m so ready for this. Leppy and I are planning on partying a little, going to the lake, going shopping, I might even get another piercing (gotta appease them mental break down gods somehow). I’m desperately excited, but I think I would be even more excited if I had the opportunity to go out on a date with someone, anyone (well not actually anyone). I want to kiss and hug someone, and I have a bucket list of things I want to do before I’m 25 (only two years and two months to go), that I would love to get done in the next two weeks.

That’s all I have for my updates for now, I will continue to journal and keep track of what happens, and maybe it’s mildly entertaining enough to get you crazy wonderful weirdos to come back and read more!

Until next time, fly high my Chimers!

Pixie and Pride: Part 4

Welcome back, my Chime! I am Pixie and this is Diary of a Bipolar Pixie, the blog I created to rant and write about all of the topics that I become obsessed with. This is the last post I’m making for pride month until next year (or unless something major happens that I feel you should absolutely know about), and it’s all about what isn’t accepted or appropriate in the LGBTQ+ community.

This is going to be a relatively shorter post, unless I can think of other things to add to this post. I might consider adding some historical events, or some famous people to admire, or something that contributes to the community.

To begin, let’s talk about gatekeeping, and why it’s not allowed in the community, for a second. Gatekeeping occurs when someone tries to tell people what they are or are not allowed to be or do. The most common way I see this happen is when someone who is attracted to multiple genders calls themselves bisexual, and someone else comes along and says they’re a liar, because bisexuals can only be attracted to men or women. Please remember that I already made a post explaining and defining these terms. While I’ve never done this myself, I have seen it said to people I went to school. I’ll be the first to admit that I was wrong for not standing up for them, and I regret it to this day.

That being said, the LGBTQ+ community as a whole has agreed on that one “orientation” is absolutely not allowed whatsoever. “Pedosexual” is a term constructed by pedophiles to attempt to normalize their disgusting behavior. They also came up with a new “gender” term for themselves, but I can’t remember what it was, and I’m not dignifying it by looking it up. The term essentially means that they feel like children trapped in adult bodies and that’s why they should be allowed to have relations with children. I absolutely refuse to call them “underage persons” because they are children! They are babies who don’t have the know how or the experience or even the brain capacity to understand the repercussion that can come from having sex. Not to mention that sex and rape at such a young age can have lasting detrimental effects on their minds and bodies. It’s disgusting and deplorable and I truly believe that anyone who prays on innocent children should be sterilized and locked away for the entirety of their lives.

Polygamy is also not currently apart of the community, though they’re are people who are trying to make it. Polygamy doesn’t inherently refer to sexual orientation or gender identity, which is why it originally doesn’t fall into the community. However, in recent months, I’ve heard rumors from my favorite coworkers, not really seen any reports on the issue, that say that their are a number of non-Mormon polygamists who are pushing for polygamy to be included. This makes me giggle for one reason, the Mormon community actively preaches against LGBTQ+, but if polygamy is included into that community, then those individuals in those relationships would then be apart of a community they actively preach against. My only issue with this push for inclusion is that it sounds like a way to sneakily make it legal for polygamists to get married under an LGBTQ+ headline, if that makes any sense. It feels like they’re trying to piggy back off of a much bigger issue.

Beastiality is also not part of the community, for good reason. I cannot fathom how someone looks at a sheep and says, “I want that ass.” I really just want to know what in their brain says that that’s okay in any capacity.

Kinks are also not aspects considered in the community. Everyone has their kinks, and anything that occurs between two consenting adults is entirely their business and only their business. Homosexuals, heterosexuals, bisexuals, pansexuals, everyone has their own kinks.

That means most other -philia suffixes are not considered in the community either. That includes necrophilia, coprophilia, gerontophilia, and somnophilia. There’s so many more, but their considered kinks, and a decent amount of them are illegal for reasons of taking advantage of, raping, and hurting other living creatures.

And that’s what I can find on the matter. Thank you for reading through this little information drop off for you. You are all dolls and doves and darlings for wanting to take the opportunity to learn so much about the community with me, and I hope you had a safe and happy pride month.

Here’s an idea, send me your stories and pictures and I’ll post them here for fun. I love hearing what other people did, if they participated in a parade or a walk or had a party or whatever else you can think of to include in a big post. You can comment on here if you want to share your story, or go to the contact me section of the page to find ways of getting ahold of me. I’m really excited to see your journeys.

With love and good wishes, fly high Chimers!

Pixie and Pride: Part 3

My Chime! I seem to be back in action, which is incredible to me. I’ve given up on so many different projects, so to still be doing my best to keep this blog going is great. I’m Pixie, and I’m proud to be here today, but that doesn’t actually have anything to do with todays topic, which is continuing on with my research into Pride Month and the LGBTQ+ community. I thought today’s conversation could be about some of the common misconceptions surrounding the Alphabet Mafia (if you don’t like me using that title or grouping, just let me know and I’ll stop).

1) Sexual Orientation is a choice. False. It’s brain chemistry and biology and even family history. It’s a whole lot of factors that develop into creating who someone might find attractive and be sexually attracted to. There are studies that say sexual orientation is a factor that could possibly be developed in some as early as before we’re even born. The choice that occurs is whether or not we choose to let society tell us who we are and who we love.

2) Homosexuality can be “cured.” It doesn’t need to be cured. But if we’re talking about changing someone’s sexual orientation through therapy and bullshit, no, it can’t be “cured.” Conversion therapy doesn’t work and does more to traumatize a patient than do any good for them. And if you come across a therapist who claims to be able to do any of these things, their a fake and should be reported. the American Psychology Association discredited this line of therapy years ago.

3) Parents did something wrong. No. It’s not about how a child was raised. The only thing a parent can do to do something wrong to blame their child, kick them out, call them names, anything to show that you lack any support for your child that made a big decision to come and tell you how they feel or who they think they are. The only thing you could teach them is that they can’t trust you and they shouldn’t come to you for support. They may chase your support for the rest of their lives, or even go so far as to hate and resent themselves for losing you to be who they are.

4) Homosexuality is contagious. No, gonorrhea is contagious, the flue is contagious, even corona virus is contagious. This myth most likely stems from one child coming out to their family, then another child comes out because they feel like they have at least one person for support if they need, and it’s a domino affect of people coming out to each other because they recognize kindred spirits. They aren’t spreading homosexuality to each other, their spreading courage, and I think that’s beautiful.

6) An LGBTQ+ person is dangerous to children. They are no more dangerous to a child than any other member of society. In fact, recent studies show that men married to women (not necessarily straight) are much more likely to be harmful to your child than anyone else. The research says that when investigating cases of child molestation, the assailant fit the previously stated description 90% of the time. So, if you want someone to be afraid of, pick someone else. Hell, pick me. I’ll stick my foot straight up your ass for being a homophobic asshole and laugh while doing it.

7) The bible condemns homosexuality. There are multiple reasons I hate this statement, but lets start with the fact that homosexuality isn’t ever actually spoken of in the original text of the bible, in Hebrew by the way. It’s been proven to have been mistranslated, which resulted in the current misunderstanding. In reality, the text actually talks about pedophilia as a sin, which I support 110%. And since we’re on the topic, if we want to continue to pretend that that’s what it says, then everyone should also remember that the bible says you committing adultery is a sin and if you feel like your hand might touch a woman inappropriately, then you should cut your hand off, if you get pregnant out of wedlock then you should be stoned to death, and my personal favorite, you can’t wear mixed fabrics, meaning you can’t wear wool with cotton with satin, and so and so forth. There’s so much more to the bible than some made up passage that isn’t even correct. And let’s not even talk about how in America there are specific rules that are supposed to separate church and state specifically so the Christians can’t dictate to others how they’re supposed to live their lives. If you can’t tell, I actually have a lot against societies selective use of the bible to control people. Also, the bible definitely says it is not our place to judge others, only gods, and we should love all people because he loves us, so there Karen!

8) Homosexuality is abnormal. This myth delves into several different avenues of conversation. Some people answer the mental aspect of that question, so let’s start there. Individuals part of the LGBTQ+ community are shown to be as mentally healthy as everyone else. The mental struggles they deal with stem from not being accepted in their families or communities, which causes them to spiral into depression and anxiety as they try and fail to find their place in society. When they have support, when they are called by their preferred pronouns and treated how to feel they should be treated, then their mental health drastically improves, suicide rates among that community drop by fifty percent. When you get into the natural side of things, homosexuality, transgender, bisexuality, etc., is all very common in nature as a whole. Dolphins, penguins, primates, even lions are known to have sexual encounters others of the same sex, clownfish, the slipper limpet, and cuttlefish can change their sex from male to female, and there are species of frogs that change from female to male. Hyenas are some of the animals that can display as males while maintaining female anatomy. They have a clitoris so big it’s sometimes mistaken for a penis! LGBTQ+ started in the animal kingdom, it’s not an abnormality that humans created.

9) Transgender individuals have to make the transition to be valid. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Transgender people are valid in any way, shape, or form, in transition, after transition, or even if they choose or aren’t capable of transitioning. They don’t feel like they belong to the body they were born in, they feel they are a different gender, and that makes them valid.

10) In any couple, there is a male role and a female role. Again, this is incorrect. Couples are made of what they agree to be. Sure, there might be someone who feels more masculine than their partner, but it could be just as likely for both individuals to be very feminine and they enjoy that in each other. When in a couple, the only opinions that matters are the opinions of the people within that couple. Communication is key to any relationship and to ensuring that each person receives what they need out of the relationship. And, if this is referring to one partner being more dominant than the other as the implication of one being more masculine than the other, I have a few tidbits of information that might shake up that belief. For example, there are men who prefer to be in a relationship with women who take control, they want to be slaves or servants to their partners, while in public, they are the controlling personality. Or, their are people who are switches, meaning they take charge one day, and take orders the next. It’s far more complicated than just being dominant and submissive.

As you can hopefully see by now, the community is complicated, but they are no different than the rest of the world. They also have hardships and dating issue, depression and anxiety, and they love who they love with all of their hearts. So, let them. Let the stigmatization and prejudice die!

With that said, I move on from this topic, and next week, we’ll talk about what is definitely not allowed in the LGBTQ+ community. I look forward to writing and researching about that.

I will see you later. Fly high, Chimers!

Pixie and Pride: Part 2

My wonderous Chime! You’ll be happy to know, I’m back and still trying to keep up on my writing. If you’re new here and you have no idea what I’m talking about, then don’t worry. I am Pixie and this is Diary of a Bipolar Pixie, where I write about what ever strange idea or topic that passes through my head.

Because it is June and it is Pride Month, I’m researching topics that pertain to this month. Last time was sexuality, but in looking it up, I realized that the sight I was using only covered sexual orientation, and not gender identity, which is just as important as sexuality if not more so. You’re gender identity may end up determining your orientation. According to my most recent study, there are as many as 56 gender identities so we’ll go through this together.

Agender is someone who doesn’t have a gender. They do not identify as having a masculine or a feminine gender, and may not even attribute their clothing or style to a gender role, which in a way makes them nonconforming.

Androgyne is someone who feels a mix of male and female characteristics. It sounds like an umbrella term for other gender identities but I could be wrong.

Bigender is someone feels they are two genders. I believe this differs from gender fluid in the sense that this is a person who is always two genders and doesn’t transition from one gender to the other and back as they feel necessary.

Cisgender refers to someone who identifies their gender as they sex they were born with. I am cisgender, as I was born with female anatomy and I’m very comfortable within that identity. Amongst certain groups, this is considered the only valid gender identity (meaning cisgender males and cisgender females) which royally pisses me off and makes me want to commit unspeakable acts.

Gender fluid refers to someone who doesn’t have a fixed gender, meaning they may identify as female one day, male the next, and female again later in the week. They may also not identify as having a gender at all some days. I had a coworker who was gender fluid and watching them get excited about being able to be themselves around me was awesome. Unfortunately, they moved to Denver, which is actually really great for them to be in a community that has more respect for their identity, but sad that they’re so far away.

Gender Nonconforming refers to people who don’t follow societal norms for their gender. I’m finding a lot of drag queen notes. From what I gather, it’s when males wear dresses and makeup and high heels and present as female, but still identify as heterosexual men. This makes them fall outside of what society originally determined as normal. It can also apply to females, but society has started to normalize females wearing and conducting themselves in a more masculine style, so I can’t really find a reference for it.

Gender Questioning is when someone isn’t sure what gender they identify with.

Non-binary gender is an umbrella term that means not identifying as male or female. I’m thinking that means agender or pangender.

Pangender means that a person doesn’t identify as having a specific gender identity because they feel they could identify as multiple genders.

Transgender is someone who identifies as the opposite gender of that they were born to. For example, someone who has male genitalia who then identifies as female is transgender female. If they are making the choice to have surgery to make their bodies match who they identify as, they are in transition. There are a lot of little terms that correspond to this one, but I’ll leave them alone for now.

Two-Spirit is a term used by some indigenous people in America to describe someone fits into the LGBTQ+ community. Some sites say its an umbrella term for all LGBTQ+, some say its specifically for genderfluid or bigender individuals. I’ll let you figure out further what it might mean.

There is my research on the matter. Gender is a pretty large aspect of what people consider to be their identities. When I’m asked who I am, I seem to always say that I’m a 22-year-old female who really loves to write. I’ve encountered some people who want to do away with genders all together to also do away with prejudice against those who choose to not conform, but I personally don’t like that. I enjoy being a female. I like identifying as female. I also think devolving genders would also unintentionally take away from the struggles of those who fought to be male or female, or gender fluid or agender. I believe our society and culture is no conductive for the LGBTQ+ community, but that means we fight harder for everyone to receive equal rights regardless of who we are.

Until next time, fly high, Chimers!

Pixie and Pride

Hello, my Chime! Welcome back to Diary of a Bipolar Pixie! I, the ever undisciplined and incredibly busy Pixie, will now grovel and beg for forgiveness for how little I’ve written over the summer. I know its no excuse, but you should know I’m working forty hour weeks and taking a creative writing class that is far more demanding than I ever thought possible. But I should’ve made time to write this blog. I guess I just needed the right inspiration to get back to it, at least for a day or two.

And what might be my inspiration? Pride Month! I’m an ally, always have been, always will be, but I can’t say for certain what my sexuality is because I’ve only ever dated guys, and I grew up in a house that was extremely homophobic, transphobic, essential phobic of the whole alphabet mafia. It makes for some pretty horrible dinner conversation, especially during June.

In the hopes of counteracting the negative vibes in my house, I want to do my own research on the LGBTQ+ community, find out what the letters stand for, and maybe learn something about myself in the process. We’ll go by alphabetical order in honor of my favorite mafia, and to begin, we’ll only be discussing sexual orientations. I’ll probably turn this into a series so that I can also discuss gender identity.

Sexual orientation refers to how we feel romantic and sexual attraction, if we feel those at all. It has a lot of aspects to it, which include who we are (how we identify), and the identity of those we are attracted to.

Allosexual is first on our list and it simply refers to anyone who experiences any form of sexual attraction. Unfortunately, when discussing allosexual, I found a term that I didn’t like: allosexism. This term is used to describe the norms, stereotypes, and assumptions that everyone experiences sexual attraction, and this leads to individuals who are asexual being ostracized from society and experiencing prejudice from the world declaring they have to be sexually attracted to something.

Next up on the list is androsexual. This means the individual experiences an attraction to masculinity and men, regardless of sexual assignment at birth. I’m not entirely sure if that means a person could be attracted to a masculine female and this term still apply, but I’m still digging. From my understanding, though, this means transgender men, cisgender men, and even genderfluid men (during their masculine periods of existence) fall into this category of sexual attractions.

And now we encounter the term asexual for the second time in my research. This is someone who feels no sexual attraction whatsoever. However, that doesn’t mean an someone who doesn’t experience sexual attraction can’t experience romantic attraction. My research thus far indicates that someone who is asexual tends to be demiromantic (we’ll talk about the demi prefix later on).

I would like to share that many sites say a lot of these prefixes can be used to describe sexual attraction and romantic attraction. Such as asexual means no sexual attraction, and aromantic means no romantic attraction. I don’t really want to get into romantic attraction and sexual attraction in one post, partially because it would make for one really long post, partially because it’s easy enough to move one prefix from the sexual orientation meaning to the romantic orientation meaning.

Onward, to the term autosexual. Autosexual refers to individuals who finds themselves sexually attractive. For those that don’t understand what that means, including me at first, I have found that it means that an individual may see themselves in the mirror and become aroused, and they tend to find more pleasure in masturbating than with a partner. Though that doesn’t mean they’ll never have sex with another person, they just prefer themselves more.

On the alphabetical list, next we find the bisexuals. Bisexual is a weird one to research, because it is defined as an attraction to more than one gender. However, society dictates that it is an attraction to both men and women. Many sites I’ve read have also said that there may be one gender of attraction between a pansexual and a bisexual. It’s interesting, and confusing, but mostly because I’ve lived my life believing the societal definition of bisexual. Along with bisexual, there is bicurious, which refers to those who are experimenting with their sexuality.

The list I read included terms that don’t refer to identifying someone’s sexuality, but their journey to discovering and accepting their sexuality. Some of these terms include closeted, which refers to those individuals who are not open about their sexuality, and coming out, which refers to individuals who are starting to open up to people about their sexuality.

And now we come to a term that I have never heard before, cupiosexual. This refers to those who identify as asexual, remember, that means no sexual attraction, desiring sex or a sexual relationship. It sounds like a contradiction, but on some level I get it, at least in some way, and perhaps I’m understanding this completely wrong, and it’s not as contradictory as it sounds.

I now introduce you to the definition of the term I already introduced you to. Demisexual means that the individual only experiences sexual attraction once certain requirements are fulfilled. Commonly, those requirements revolve around emotions and relationships. Some individuals may find they have no sexual attraction to their partner until months into the relationship, once they are trusting and loving of their partner. It’s not as simple as not wanting to have sex until you’re ready, it’s not feeling aroused until the emotional connection is right.

Fluid is a term that means sexuality can change, just as identity, personality and moods can change. Maybe I wake up tomorrow and find that I am much more attracted to females than males. It is all a process of who we are and how we grow.

I’m skipping a term on the list because as of right now, I would prefer to stick to the technical terminology, but I’ll bring it once we get to the right place.

Gynesexual is the attraction to females and femininity. As with androsexuality, gynesexuality includes transgender women, cisgender women, and genderfluid women. However, I, again, do not know if it could be an attraction to a male who displays as feminine, but not as a woman.

Heterosexual refers to the sexual attraction to the opposite gender, though, that term is used very loosely because cisgender and transgender individuals can use the term, despite their biological identity. I’ve found a couple articles that also indicate that opposite could also mean someone who doesn’t identify as any gender possibly being attracted to someone who is gender fluid. Society is the one that dictated it is someone of a specific gender identity attracted to someone of the opposite specific gender identity.

Homosexual refers to an individual who is sexually attracted to a member of the same, or in some accounts similar, gender identity. This is where that skipped word comes in. It was gay. Gay means the same as homosexual, and is most commonly use by males attracted to males (identifying or biological, up to them). Women also use the term, as well as lesbian to describe their sexuality.

The next term falls with the asexual range, called libidoist asexual. It means that an individual that holds no sexual attraction towards another person may find they do have sexual urges that can be satiated through masturbation. It doesn’t make them any less asexual, it makes them human (or lizard if that’s how they feel today).

Someone who experiences monosexuality is someone who is only attracted to a specific gender. It’s a tiny umbrella term that encompasses heterosexual and homosexual.

If we have a libidoist asexual, than you can bet your ass that we have a non-libidoist asexual. These individuals have no sex drive at all. The don’t feel sexual urges and therefore don’t need to act on them.

Omnisexual is described as being somewhere between bisexual and pansexual. They also have a range of sexual attraction which is not limited to a persons sex, gender identity, or sexual orientation.

Pansexual refers to individuals who can be attracted to anyone, no matter their sex, gender identity, or sexual orientation. Physically speaking, they have no limitations in regards to their attraction.

Polysexual is another umbrella term that means a person is attracted to multiple genders, which encompasses bisexual and pansexual. It does not mean that a person is sexually attracted to multiple people at the same time (which is what I honestly thought it meant).

Pomosexual refers to those who prefer to not label their sexual orientation, which is a little ironic because it is a label.

Sapiosexuals find sexual attraction based strictly on their intelligence, regardless of gender.

Skoliosexual refers to people who are attracted to non-cisgender people, such as transgender and gender fluid.

Spectrasexual is another umbrella term that means being attracted to multiple and varied gender identities, but not necessarily all of them.

It’s a lot to take in, especially when I was raised with gay, straight, and bi as the only sexual orientations, and two of them were sins against god (who I absolutely don’t believe in). I’m tired of dealing with the negativity and bullshit, why can’t everybody just live their lives how the wish so long as it doesn’t interfere with anyone else’s rights. If those two want to be gay, let them be gay. If they want to adopt a child, and they are financially stable, mentally stable, and emotionally stable enough to do so, then why the hell not. There are more children in foster care than there ever should be and it’s disgusting to me that certain people would rather force those babies to live in situations that are chaotic and unstable just so homosexual, pansexual, transgender, etc. individuals can’t raise a child.

I’ve researched, I’ve ranted, and now I’m releasing this issue. I definitely plan to continue to exploring what I want out of a relationship and life in general, but you because I’m still in the early processes of that discovery, I won’t make you go through that with me.

Please like, subscribe, or comment your opinions and concerns. Hell, if you have advice for me, let me know. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with everything I’ve learned.

Until next time, and who knows when that’s going to be, fly high Chimers!

Quick Update

Welcome back, my beautiful Chime, to Diary of a Bipolar Pixie. This is going to be a pretty short post because, if you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been kind of slacking in the whole writing department.

Since I last wrote a post, a lot has happened and changed, and fucked me up all over again. If you thought I was done flip flopping with my decision to move out, you were wrong. I have flipped again, and it looks like I’m not moving out of my parents house this summer. Mom and I had a massive fight where we called each other names and blamed each other for all of our issues and in the end, I decided I was too exhausted to keep fighting her, and if I moved out, I’d only have another massive fight that mentally I don’t think I can handle.

After the fight, I decided to make a request of my parents. See, I have been wanting my own dog for as long as I can remember. It’s become an obsession of knowing exactly how to raise a dog, what’s the food, how to train a dog. I even have done research into which breeds would be best for me and the possibility of training them to be almost my service dog. I say almost because my bipolar disorder isn’t bad enough to be a disability, but I do think having a dog that is trained to assist me would be very beneficial to me.

I made the request to my parents to let me get a dog while I’m living in their house. After a little more discussion, they agreed that I could get a dog… after Leppy moves out in August. My parents don’t want anymore dogs in the house right now, we already have four, but when Leppy moves out, she’s taking her dog with her. This leaves an opening for me to get my own dog. Good news, eventually I get a dog, bad news I have to stay home, and I have to wait another two and a half to three months before I can actually get one.

I’m also working full time now. Which is why I haven’t been keeping up on writing lately. I usually can only write while I’m at school, but since it’s summer, I don’t have any classes, and I spend most of my time working, and if I wrote while I was at home, I’d get questioned by my parents. Too many questions that could lead to fights that would annoy me. So, I’m taking time out of my lunch to write this and hopefully catch up on a few other posts.

Like I said, this is a short one. If you want to stay updated, or want to give me motivation to keep writing, I appreciate donations and subscriptions. Neither are necessary to read my main blog posts, but I have been writing a post just for the subscribers. With my current situation, I have no idea when that will be out, but I’ll do my best.

Until next time, fly high, Chimers!

Eliminating the Illusions: Part 3

Welcome back, my most wonderous and beautiful Chime! I, Pixie, return to tell you more about some neurological and psychological disorders that I have worked tirelessly to research. I put these in a random name generator to determine which one I should talk about next, and to my utter surprise and glee, it landed on borderline personality disorder. Why do I find this amusing? Well, if you remember from waaaaay back when, I had a therapist who was under the impression that I might have borderline personality disorder. So, I had some interest in covering this topic for you, but I didn’t think it was going to happen so soon.

We’ll be discussing borderline personality disorder (or bpd) in the same fashion as we discussed are previous topics (do you remember what they were). We’ll be covering some common myths attributed to bpd, the real facts behind these myths, and some interesting facts I found along the way. To preface this, because BPD isn’t something most people have common knowledge of, borderline personality disorder is a mental illness which has varying and unstable moods, behavior, and, relationships. It’s commonly thought that childhood trauma can cause someone to develop this disorder, but the actually definitive cause is unknown. Now, who’s ready to learn some shit?

  1. You cannot treat BPD-There are actually a number of interesting methods used to treat BPD, all revolving around dealing with the trauma that many psychiatrists point out as being the culprit. This includes dialect behavior therapy, which is a type of therapy dedicated to helping people cope with stress while living in the moment and regulating their emotions, trauma focused therapy, inner child therapy, and medication.
  2. People with BPD cannot live independent, fulfilling lives-This is starting to annoy me as a common myth when discussing mental health issues. Why do so many people believe that having a mental health disorder means your life is now pointless and will forever be filled with disappoint since you’ll never succeed at anything. Honestly if you have this belief you can fuck right off. Every single person has something they struggle with, we all just struggle differently, but that doesn’t mean someone is more useless than someone else.
  3. BPD behavior is just attention seeking and should be ignored-Noooooooooo! I hate when people say shit like this. If someone is acting in a way that you feel is “attention seeking” it’s probably a cry for help from someone who is desperate and doesn’t know how to ask. If someone is seeking attention, for fuck’s sake, just give it to them. You don’t know what their going through or if what they’re going through could be helped by just sitting down and talking to them (y’all, I’m on one today and I already want to fight but these myths are about to make me rip out my hair).
  4. Those with BPD do not commit suicide– FALSE! Literally anyone in the entire world could suffer from something that would make them think they don’t want to live anymore. It happens all of the time. There’s also the problem that BPD is associated with much higher rates of suicide attempts and self harm than most other mental illnesses. Just so you know.
  5. Having BPD is a choice-And having epilepsy is choice, and heart arrhythmias, and cancer. Are you following along with my train of thought, because the realist of it is, no, it’s not a choice. No one chooses to undergo traumatic events that will leave them scarred for the rest of their lives and living with a disorder that will adversely and royally fuck up any future relationships they have. Who wouldn’t want to choose that for the rest of their lives? (Pure, unadulterated sarcasm).
  6. People who have BPD do not help themselves-Am I almost done with the really stupid assumptions? Nope, not one little bit. Mind you, I also signed up for this, and I’m still excessively pissed off about the whole thing. Okay, to even begin to touch the bullshit that came with this myth I will have to get my hands way dirty. Some individuals in the world actually think that when someone suffers from a mental illness they are lazy and unmotivated 100% of the time, and therefore, they have no capabilities to seek help. That’s the most bullshit thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life, and I had some pretty fucked up things happen to me. (fun fact: bullshit appears to be my word of the day) Obviously, there are plenty of people who seek help when their in a tough spot and can’t seem to find their way out of it. That’s how we find out that people have these disorders, and that’s how people get treated. Is everyone just under the assumption that people are diagnosed and *bam* their instantly being treated for their illness? I can’t even fathom the thought process behind this one. Let’s move on before I lost my mind.
  7. Children and adolescents cannot be diagnosed with BPD-This myth actually stems from a common controversial discussion that many therapists, counselors, and psychiatrists are still having today. It’s whether or not children should be diagnosed with psychological and neurological conditions even though their bodies are still growing and adjusting to their own chemistry. Remember how I ranted about this a while back? Well, I remember. So, when it comes to deciding whether or not a child needs to be diagnosed with BPD, everyone has a different opinion, and some say that it’s perfectly acceptable and even to some degree necessary to diagnose an individual as soon as possible so that treatment can begin. A lot of mental health care professionals will wait, though, until a child turns eighteen, that way they can be more sure of the symptoms actually pertaining to a disorder, and not a shift in hormones or such.
  8. BPD is a variation of bipolar disorder-This is a common confusion and one that I completely understand, because it is so incredible easy for someone to get mixed up diagnoses because some of the symptoms overlap. Bipolar disorder does a damn good job of taking and displaying common symptoms of other disorders and certain individuals will show symptoms at different frequencies. It’s also really common for someone with one disorder to later be told they were misdiagnosed because they originally showed symptoms more commonly associated with having bipolar disorder, but when a new psychiatrist monitored them, they determined that the actual diagnosis should be borderline personality disorder. It such a common occurrence that some people skip the back and forth diagnoses and go straight for the dual diagnoses, telling people they have both. Sometimes they do, but I’ve been on a few groups where people struggle to see one or the other as something they suffer with.
  9. BPD is only found in women-Again, this is bullshit. Men and women develop BPD at equal rates, though some symptoms may be more prevalent in men than it is in woman, or the symptoms may appear differently. I also have this theory that women are thought to display their symptoms more openly than men because it’s a lot more obvious for some reason if a woman is, say, having super risky, unsafe sex. Or if they’re spending exuberant amounts of money on stupid things, or if they’re self harming, participating in reckless behavior, etc., etc. I can see where people’s thought are in regards to this myth, but it’s just not true.
  10. If you know one person with BPD, you know them all-I really don’t want to justify this with a response, but I have a duty to you, my readers, to follow through with what I said I would do, even if it pains me in so many ways. NO TWO PEOPLE ARE THE SAME, SO NO TWO JOURNEYS ARE THE SAME!! I’m sorry for yelling at you, but I don’t think enough people understand this concept. No two diabetics experience their illness the same way, same goes for cancer victims, muscular dystrophy, scoliosis, COPD, (insert more examples if you feel necessary to do so). It enrages me so badly that there are people out there who assume that having a mental illness makes you just like every other person that has a mental illness. Just because something is a rose doesn’t mean it’s going to be identical to the next rose on the bush.

I know I flew through those myths really quickly when compared to my other posts, but I’m in a weird mood today and I felt it was more important to just get it all down now rather than wait for inspiration to hit me so I could write out this long elegant piece of art, only for it to take me another two months to find that inspiration.

Moving along, you will notice the following posts are all about the interesting facts I found in regards to bipolar disorder (if you don’t find this interesting, tough luck buttercup, I’m bored and need more reasons to get upset by your lack of interest in this amazing topic of discussion).

Borderline personality disorder affects more people than you think it does. In fact, with 1% of US adults affected with this disorder, it beats bipolar II disorder and schizophrenia combined. So, it baffles me how more people know about bipolar disorder and schizophrenia than they know about borderline personality disorder. That also means there’s a greater chance that you know someone with BPD than someone with B2D. Check on your friends people, it could mean the world to them.

Also, BPD often (96% of the time to be accurate) coincides with other mental health disorders. Some of these include bipolar disorder (which we already discussed) and obsessive compulsive disorder. It makes sense to me, especially when you consider the symptoms of BPD (anger issues, feelings of being cut off from reality, abandonment issues) and it’s easy to see where these disorders overlap with each other. I’m seeing a lot more cases of BPD and bipolar overlapping, but I have seen some cases of anxiety, depression, and eating disorders coinciding with BPD.

It’s also been discovered that people with BPD are extremely empathetic people. This is believed to be due to their hyper awareness to other people body language so that they can identify key characteristics that hint at someone wanting to leave them. In reality, they over exaggerate a lot of what they are seeing in their minds eye. If their significant other wants to go out with friends and on the way out they give the individual a weird look, that individual may spend the rest of the night over analyzing their whole lives to double check what they did wrong that would cause their partner to give them that look, even though it may have just been the partner thinking something offhanded and just happened to look back. This can translate to overly empathetic, because they do the same thing to other people. They can pick up on that little squint in your eyes, or the way you tense up, over exaggerate it in their minds, and come to the conclusion that you are struggling with something, maybe to a degree greater than what you really are, but they feel the intense need to help you, it’s a people pleasing issue.

It’s also widely accepted that people with BPD are very creative and artistic people. I guess when you have so much bullshit going through your brain, a great way to express yourself is through art. Some people just happen to have a really talent for that, I am not one of those people. If I could give you some examples, I promise I would, but I can’t, so I shan’t. (That’s an actual phrase I use in real life btw.)

They also experience emotions at an extreme level. You think you’re mad, people with BPD experience rage over that thing that made you a little upset. You’re sad that you burnt your toast, a person with BPD might think it’s the end of the world. I would like to mention, I don’t have BPD, and I don’t know anyone who openly discussing having BPD, so every piece of information I give you about this is taken strictly off the internet, not from any personal experiences I have.

People with this disorder also experience something called Borderline Obsessions. This means that they became fixated on something for days, or even months. From what I can find, this sounds more like they read about something, like griffins, and feel the intense need to learn every little thing about griffins. If they are artistic people, they might go so far as to draw them for days or months, pointing out every little detail of what a griffin is through their art. This can be an extremely consuming symptom, because they don’t even look up from what they are doing until they absolutely have to and they can lose track of time, forget to eat, drink, sleep, shower. It sounds like an incredibly taxing symptom to suffer with.

Also, and this one was really surprising and completely out of the blue to me, but people who are diagnosed with BPD have an increased chance of being left handed or ambidextrous. I have no idea why. I do know that which hand is dominant on a person has as much to do with environmental factors as it does literally anything else, and people who are left handed are at an increased risk of developing a mental health disorder at some point in their lives than their right handed counterparts. I would love to know the information behind this but there is not nearly enough research done on this so I don’t even know where to look for this information.

Along with being extremely creative, people with this disorder have very active imaginations (this should have come sooner on the list but I have a certain order I put notes for reason and I’m just going with it, sorry for the inconsistencies). They can plan out these epic fantasy lives for themselves in such extreme details that they can also get lost in them and completely dissociate from reality (ties into the feelings of being cut off from reality). This was another symptom that lead one of my therapists to believe I had BPD. I too can establish very detailed and creative fantasy worlds and get lost in them. I then translate that into an epic novel that doesn’t seem to do my imaginary world justice, so I scrap the novel, destroy the fantasy and hope the next one is two shades better than the old one.

The key symptom that kept me from being diagnosed with BPD is people with this disorder mirror other’s personalities. I have a very distinguished, and very disturbing, personality that cannot be replicated by anyone (many have tried). For example, they are known to become obsessed with a movie, tv show, or book series, and immediately start acting exactly like their favorite character. They also copy base character traits from their close friends, and when jumping between friend groups, they can become completely different people. You think it gives you whiplash, these poor people have such shattered self esteems that they cannot feel comfortable enough to be themselves, they feel like they have to be somebody else.

That is the extent of the research I can do on this particular topic. If you want to learn more, do your own research. I’m here to add more knowledge to what I already have, so while you may be missing the overall definition of this disorder, I already know it and I didn’t want to go over it again.

Don’t forget, I write this more for me than I do for you, and I’m in a very off mood while writing this post. I’m doing my best, but my best might be better if you were so kind as to donate to me so that I can do more for this blog. (I know that was the absolute least subtle way of asking but I’m going straight for it.) Please like this blog, leave a comment, or send me any questions or requests for future posts.

Fly high, glorious and magnificent Chimers!

“The role of the therapist is to reflect the being/accepting self that was never allowed to be in the borderline.”

― Michael Adzema
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The Dragon’s Quest: Part 2

Hello, my Chime. Welcome back to Diary of a Bipolar Pixie, brought in part to you by my last will to live. Just kidding (or am I, the world may never know). Really, this blog is one of the only reasons I wake up in the morning, since it gives me a reason to focus on something that is not my life.

But guess what we’re focusing on today? My life! Dragon is pushy as hell, and now I’ve given her permission to read my blog and I don’t know how to feel about that. Dragon, lovely lady who calls me on my shit, if you’re reading this, please understand that I write almost every post a couple weeks in advance, so if you’re reading something that we talked about ages ago, I wrote the draft post just after we talked, but I had other posts scheduled already.

So, what did Dragon and I talk about most recently? Limiting and maintaining expectations with my mom. Let me just preface this wonderful piece of advice with my mom’s most recent antics that royally piss me off. She and my dad sat me down in the living room to grill me about my life plans. I think I already wrote about it, but I’m going to highlight this topic again because it’s relevant to the post. She and my dad also told me I’m not allowed to move out until I give them a detailed financial plan of how I’m going to survive on my own. My parents also sat Leppy and me down in the living room to yell at us for being lazy inconsiderate assholes because mom chose to deep clean (and I mean scrubbed the walls of the bathroom, wash all the curtains in the house, rearrange the dishes in the cupboards clean) and Leppy and I hadn’t fully cleaned our rooms yet, despite having just barely walked in the house at 8:30pm. We’d spent the previous 11 hours busting our asses between classes and work and homework, but that apparently wasn’t enough. I was also called lazy a few days later for not washing the dishes, when I’d cleaned the entire kitchen the day before. Somewhere in the midst of all this yelling, Mom said that if I didn’t respect her, then I could pack my shit and get the fuck out of her house. Why do I feel like she gave me an out without realizing she gave me an out?

Anyways, I’ve discussed some of this with Dragon, who keeps saying that we have to remember to manage out expectations. I have a bit a problem with that though. I know what to expect from my mom. I absolutely expect her to be a narcistic, controlling, bipolar bitch. I expect her to make harsh comments about my clothing and size, or to yell at me about my finances, or to nitpick or be ungrateful when I help out around the house, or to blatantly disregard my feelings and opinions in matters that actually concern me. I’ve experienced it my whole, I, without a doubt, expect it to happen.

So, what do I do about it? I work my ass off knowing my mom’s not going to be grateful for it, but how is my knowing her reactions supposed to effect me? Right now, all it does is make me feel even lousier because I was right. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s really shitty to a) already expect her to be a bitch and then b) be proven right. I just hate that feeling, and it makes me really upset no matter how I look at it.

After ranting about my mom for lord only know how long, we talked about how I want to go about improving my situation. For starters, I want to move out. I have zero plans to live with my parents longer than a few more months at most (essentially through the summer). I want so badly to have my own space and be able to take care of myself again. I also have no intentions of actually giving my parents a piece by piece financial plan, because, in my opinion, it is none of there business what I do with my money. I didn’t ask them to pay off anything for me. In fact, I distinctly remember fighting them about this issue, but I gave in to attempt to keep the peace for the time being. I’m not doing that anymore. I refuse to let them control every aspect of my life, and if they want to cut me out of their lives, so be it.

We also discussed sitting down before and after a fight with my mom and writing out what I think and feel rationally about a subject. Fighting with my mom causes a severe emotional response that can eclipse my ability to rationalize, so Dragon thinks being able to write it down before hand and return to it when I’m being emotionally bullied will help me to determine if what I’m fighting for is really worth it. For example, if I really want to move out, I need to write down the logical reasons for moving out, that way if I have a fight with my mom that starts to sway my thinking, I can read what I wrote and really take the time to consider if what she said has any hold over my feelings.

So, even though I’ve very probably already wrote this out and have simply forgotten what I wrote and have no intentions of reading back through everything I’ve already written just to find the little pieces of information that pertain to this topic. There’s also a very good chance that I write this all over again, because I constantly forget and constant need to remind myself.

  1. If I lived on my own, I could cook my own food without having to worry about accommodating to other people’s wishes.
  2. I could wear whatever I’m comfortable with and not have to follow outdated and stupid clothing rules set in place by my dad.
  3. I could clean the house to my specifications, and not to the ridiculous requirements of my mom.
  4. If I moved on campus, I would be that much closer to my classes and job and would save on money.
  5. It would cost me money to move out, but I feel that the emotional and mental relief would outweigh the financial burden I would take on.
  6. I could have people over without having to explain myself to them.
  7. People who came over wouldn’t have to put up with the racist and overbearing opinions of my parents.
  8. I could smoke and drink and vape as I desired without the hypocritical comments, “that’s not healthy,” “Why would you do that to your body?” (My mother smokes cigarettes and my father chews tobacco).
  9. I wouldn’t be at risk of hearing my parents weekly romantic evenings, if you know what I mean. (If that made you uncomfortable, imagine living in the room next to your parents who absolutely refuse to monitor the amount of sound they make while doing the deed).
  10. I can have my boyfriend over without it turning into a big deal with my parents.

I’m sure if I sat down and really thought this out in bigger steps, I could come up with even more reasons to go. The only reason I can think of to stay is money. I save more by staying home, but I mentally, and even physically at this point, cannot fathom staying home any longer that I already have.

If my plan is to move out, then Dragon said I need to break that down into smaller steps to help myself get there. I already filled out the housing application, now I just need to pay the security deposit, talk to someone about whether I’ve been approved to move for the summer or if I have to wait until fall, and when the move in date will be. It may not seem like a lot to figure out, but the guy I’ve been talking with to figure all of this out has three jobs that I’m aware of on top of being a full time student. He’s dealing with all these problems and all these students and I feel bad for throwing even more on his plate. I intend to get a hold of him again soon to re-discuss this, or maybe see if he can forward me on to someone who can handle this situation a little better than he can.

There was one more topic Dragon wanted to discuss. She wanted to know if I thought my medication was improving my symptoms. To be honest, I have no idea. I didn’t even know I was bipolar, and then, bam, diagnosed and on medication at the same time. I didn’t know to look out for bipolar symptoms, so I don’t really have a lot to compare my current symptoms with what I was going through six months ago, or even a year ago. It’s also important to not that six months ago I was going through the most severe depression I’d ever been in thanks to losing my job, relationship, and home in a very short period of time. I don’t know what my original symptoms look like, so I can’t tell if I’ve improved or not. Not to mention, living with my mom makes it difficult to identify what is caused by my bipolar disorder versus what are my emotional, mental, and physical reactions to my mother.

Because of all of this, Dragon wants to try to monitor how I feel on a daily basis, so we can see the patterns I go through and recognize when I’m going into a depressive episode or a hypomanic episode, what’s caused by my disorder, or what’s caused by my trauma.

She didn’t type anything up or try to give me any homework on the issue, but I felt it would be a good side project if I wrote something up myself just to get started. The question we have to answer is “What do you monitor when you have bipolar disorder?” Obviously, certain aspects of my life are more important to keep track of than others. Every little thing I do has an affect on my disorder, but sleep obviously has more of an affect on my level of anxiety than, say, my menstrual cycle. Why? Because I don’t have a menstrual cycle anymore thanks to my birth control. The following is a list of what people with bipolar disorder should track, according to multiple online resources.

  • Sleep Patterns-you should keep track not only of how many hours you sleep, but of how well (or how restful) your sleep was. Just because you slept a full 8 hours doesn’t mean you slept very well if you found yourself tossing and turning on the brink of REM sleep (like I often do).
  • Anxiety Levels-Monitor this on a scale of your choice. I choose to do this on a 0-5 scale. 0 means I have absolutely no anxiety at all about anything. (Never happens btw) 5 is the exact opposite, where I’m in full blown panic mode about everything, should consider being hospitalized because my heart is beating so hard and so fast I think I’m going to die! I’m perpetually at a 1.5 sometimes a 2, and on bad days I sit at a 4.
  • Daily Mood-My psychiatrist monitors this on a -5 to +5 scale. -5 is so severely depressed, suicide is constantly on the mind, can’t even imagine getting the energy to get out of bed, complete and total hopelessness. +5 is the other extreme of the scale when you’re looking at a bipolar mood disorder. It’s overly exuberant attitude, total loss of judgement, overly religious delusions, hallucinations, extremely risky behavior, and no control over behavior and habits. On depressive days, I can sit at a -4.5. I get extreme suicidal thoughts and lose all energy but I don’t think of it as being severe enough to be a -5. On my hypomanic days, I find myself at a +3. I struggle to control my spending, and I have a hard time judging if the action I’m taking are risky or not, but I’ve never hallucinated or had delusions. That’s not to say I don’t get a little paranoid about certain things, because I’m always thinking about, “that person is talking shit about my outfit, I just know it!” On a normal day, I actually sit at about a -1. seriously. I have a hard time finding a lot of positivity in my life because I’m always on edge, always ready for a fight, and always thinking about what my mom said, or what that one person is thinking about me.
  • Changes in Diet-It makes sense that what you eat can effect how you feel, but it’s not something I consciously think about. According to multiple online sources (google it if you really want to find them), you should avoid caffeine, high fat meals, and salt if you take any meds that are not lithium or lithium based. (Low salt diets can apparently cause a build up of lithium in the blood stream). If you take MAO inhibitors (check your meds to find out) you should apparently avoid overly ripe bananas and banana peels, tap beer, fermented cheese, aged meat, some wines, and soy sauce. Also, grapefruit and grapefruit juices can be bad in regards to medication, but I got bored reading the article, so go look it up yourself. Point is, what you put in your body can and will effect the rest of you.
  • Menstrual Cycle-Of course I have to add this! Don’t be a whiny bitch about it either. “But, Pixie, periods are gross. No one wants to talk about those.” No, toxic and fragile masculinity have taught society not to talk about it, but I give 0 fucks about your toxic and fragile masculinity. 49.58% of the world are genetically female (genetically, as in the order of the chromosomes of which you are born with, please don’t get offended). Only a small portion of these individuals will not experience a menstrual cycle in their lives, and that’s usually caused by underlying health issues and disorders that don’t actually pertain to the lack of a period. Anyways, there are a lot of factors that come into play when you contemplate how the menstrual cycle affects an individual. PMS, PMDD, menopause, cramps, nausea, endometriosis, uterine fibroids, menorrhagia, not to mention the cost of having a freaking period can be very stressful to people.
  • Relationships-Relationships are very important to us as a species. We rely heavily on our social interactions for the connection to people. We need others to release stress, to find enjoyment in life, and to just have someone to hang out with so we don’t feel so alone all of the time. Keeping track of the relationships in our lives is only logical. It helps to notice the trends in these relationships, such as if you realize your constantly fighting with someone and they don’t bring any joy to your life, maybe it’s time to cut them out. If you have a friend that you notice is always there for you when you need them without judgement, it could be a good idea to improve the relationship by showing them how much you appreciate them.
  • Stressors-Did something completely unexpected or out of the blue happen to you? Maybe it was expected, but you’ve come to the conclusion that it’s going to be a massive change in your life. Keep track of what those are and when they happen, and then make doubly sure to track your behavior afterward to ensure that you can recognize if you are falling into a depressive episode or a hypomanic/manic episode. These changes can be unexpected medical concerns, moving, getting a new job, maybe school is getting harder than you planned for, or you find our your pregnant, or your getting married. It can be anything. Literally, anything. One stressor I have that seems like it shouldn’t be a stressor is the weather. Changes in the weather can drastically affect my mood and anxiety levels. So, if you think that something might be a stressor for you, make sure to make a note of it.

Along with every list of what you should keep track of, you should also include a list of ways to manage symptoms. It’s almost completely useless to look for the patterns of your behavior if you have no intentions of doing anything about it. If you notice that the colder months also bring along with them your more depressive moods, it’s a good idea to plan ways to manage your depression rather than just monitoring it. I think the best way to handle this is if you have a notebook, keep your management list at the beginning of it, so if you feel a depressive or manic episode coming on, you can flip right to the front and find your inspiration for what to do next.

  • Control Stress-Both ends of the bipolar mood scale have anxiety related symptoms. Finding a way to control the stress, or at least your reaction to the stress, can be extremely helpful in maintaining a healthy and happy life. Some people meditate, others use visualization techniques, and the more active people find yoga helpful. Almost everyone knows to avoid the stressful situations, but that’s not always possible. A really relaxing TLC night might be just what you need to let the stress melt away. In my case, a nice dose of CBD oil before soaking in a hot bubble bath is amazing for helping take the edge of the day off enough for me to sleep. (Speaking of which, remind me to restock my CBD oil).
  • Keep a Regular Schedule-It’s been proven by many different doctors that maintaining a consistent schedule reduces anxiety, because people on a schedule know what to expect through out the day. It also can help said people eat right, exercise regularly, and make sure to take any vitamins or meds, even when they feel to depressed to get out of bed.
  • Practice Healthy Sleep Habits-This is dumb, absolutely stupid. “Don’t say that, Pixie.” You’re right, it’s not dumb, I’m just not good at it. Seriously, my inability to have a healthy sleep schedule should be considered a master skill at this point in my life, however, it’s so very important to your physical and mental well being to get good, regular sleep. You can attempt to accomplish this by first throwing your phone across the room! Not really but it’s widely known that too much phone activity before bed really does affect your ability to fall and stay asleep, so maybe put it away a half hour before bed and stick to reading. (I know you book nerds are telling me that doesn’t help but it’s often better than your phone) You could also try listening to relaxing music, taking a bubble bath, and make sure that you only use your bedroom for sleeping (and sex but…). Sticking to your sleep schedule will also help your body attribute that specific time to sleeping. If you still find it hard to fall asleep and stay asleep, then you should look into other ways to trigger sleep. Take melatonin, or talk to your doc about your insomnia. I also use CBD oil, and from the research I’ve done, it’s actually a really great alternative to treating less severe symptoms of mental health illness. Research is still new, and the more severe symptoms are thus far alleviated, but are not treated to a quality extent.
  • Get Moving-I am a hypocrite. That should have been the first obvious thing you learned about me as I wrote this blog that I didn’t outwardly tell you. “Why?” Well, I know exercise is good for you, and for people with mental health issues, it can produce vital brain chemicals that some of us would otherwise have a really hard time achieving. However, I am lazy and unmotivated, and I never seem to find anything I like to do enough to turn it into regular exercise. I walk a lot, but not in an exercising sort of way, more in a “I got to pace my anxiety away” way. I don’t get a chance to go to the pool, especially lately, I’m not much for jogging, I find yoga too tedious, and I make a shit ton of empty excuses in the hopes that I won’t have to do the things that are good for me. If you find the motivation to get some exercise, try doing it outside, like walking or jogging. Sunlight gives you vitamin D, which is good for your health! (Ugh)
  • No Caffeine, Alcohol, Drugs-As I’ve already said, but will say again for emphasis, avoid caffeine. Do I follow this piece of advise? Hell no, but I pay for it every time. My anxiety spikes and my hypomanic symptoms get worse. Alcohol, especially if your binging it instead of enjoying it in moderation, can and will drastically affect the chemicals your body produces. It also can fuck up your meds (if your on them) which if your me, will cause you to drop into severe depression. This is also why you shouldn’t take drugs that aren’t prescribed to you by your doctor. You don’t know how that will affect your already fucked up brain chemistry, and many drugs go so far as to damage your internal organs and kill you (please don’t die, I like you too much). Of course, this excludes certain medical and recreational substances that doctors may tell you might be beneficial to you *hint, hint.* I live in Wyoming, where such substances are still illegal, but I I’ve been *cough* advised *cough* that said substances might be beneficial to my mental health. Do with that what you will.
  • Write it down-If you didn’t catch this from the very beginning I’m a little disappointed in you. The whole point of this is to write down what your going through so that you can identify triggers, notice habits, and act on extreme episodes before they get too out of control.

Dragon has been out of town the past two weeks and I have a lot I want to talk to her about, but I have to wait and it drives me insane. The woman deserves her vacation time, but I miss my weekly sessions of being able to vent to her about my mom.

That is unfortunately all I can think to write about today. I’m also a little out of (sleep deprivation and CBD oil usage to relax) and I’m sure these past few paragraphs don’t sound as solidly put together as my first few paragraphs, so I’m going to go and hopefully get some much needed rest.

Please consider helping support this blog by donating, or becoming a subscribing member. I’ve finally come up with something I think subscribers will love, but it won’t be for another two weeks before I can get it put together (got a lot going on).

Fly high, my wonderful Chimers!

“Never laugh at live dragons.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien
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Bipolar Blunders: Part 2

Welcome back, beautiful Chimers, to Diary of a Bipolar Pixie. I’ve been in a writing kick lately and that means that while this will probably be scheduled to post on April 19th, I’m writing in March. I’ve had a lot going on in the past week, and writing seems to take my mind off of things. I’ll probably write it all down in a diary post for a later week, that way I know it’ll have content that maybe you find boring but that’s fine.

For now, I’m going to have a random conversation about a random topic I’ve been thinking about recently. Serial killers! I guess it’s not really that random considering I’ve been watching a lot of Reels TV, and Reels has had a lot of documentaries about different serial killers, such as John Wayne Gacy and Richard Ramirez. After several hours of watching these shows, I realized there weren’t too many shows about female serial killers, who’s kill counts tend to be much higher than their male counterparts. So what does a mildly obsessive individual do? Follow along to see.

Most of the information I’ve found comes from Murderpedia and Thoughtco for this section.

Nannie Doss

Nannie Doss was born Nancy Hazel on November 4, 1905. According to many reports, Nancy was molested multiple times by multiple men before she reached her teen years, which gave her a poor understanding of what love really was. She also used to read her mother’s romance novels and the single-and-looking column in the local newspapers, and dreamed of the perfect marriage, while living poorly with her constantly fighting parents. She also struggled in school. Some blamed the issues on the fact that Nancy’s father made her and her siblings work excruciating hours on the family farm. Some blamed the accident Nancy had when she was 7 on a train, which resulted in a head injury. There are also those who say Nancy had different focuses on her mind and she didn’t care about school.

At sixteen-years-old, Nancy got married for the first time to Charles Braggs. The two worked together in a factory and dated for only four months before they got engaged, and quickly married. The marriage was not the romantic adventure Nancy always dreamed about, though. Charles’s mother was massive part of his life, and took control of Nancy very quickly, telling her what she could and couldn’t do, who she could and couldn’t have over, and even went so far as to move in with the couple permanently.

In a four year span, Nancy and Charles had four daughters, which put extra stress on the then twenty-year-old woman. Nancy started drinking and smoking much more frequently, which only worsened the already strained relationship of the couple. There were rumors that both individuals also had affairs on the side, as Charles would leave for several days at a time unannounced, and Nancy was said to have men over while he was gone.

Then, tragedy struck not long after their youngest daughter was born. Charles left for work, saying goodbye to his four healthy daughters, only to return home to two very sick girls. Nancy said they started convulsing after breakfast and that there was nothing the doctors could do. Their two middle daughters died, leaving Charles heartbroken, but Nancy seemed to be more worried about the insurance pay out.

Charles stayed with Nancy until just after his mother’s death in early 1927, then he packed up his eldest daughter and himself and moved without saying another word to Nancy, leaving his newborn in her care. Nancy had to get a job to support herself and her child. A little over a year later, Charles returned to drop off the daughter he left with so that he could be with his new girlfriend. The two officially divorced in 1928, and Nancy moved back home to live with her mother. And before you ask, no I don’t know what happened to her father. I’m doing a lot of digging into her life, but the articles I’ve found haven’t mentioned her father after she was married the first time. I’m thinking he died of mostly natural causes because he’s also not listed in her victim count.

After moving in with her mother, Nancy resumed her old hobbies of reading novels and her favorite section of the newspaper. While reading this section, she found an ad from a single man, Frank Harrelson, looking for his future wife. Nancy reached out to him and the two started a romantic relationship through letters. About two years after her divorce with Charles, she and Frank got married and the couple and Nancy’s two daughters moved to Jacksonville, Alabama. However, Nancy soon discovered that her new husband was an abusive alcoholic with a criminal record. Surprisingly, the two were married for sixteen years despite that.

Within those sixteen years of marriage, Nancy’s oldest daughter married soldier, who died while away at war a few years later, and had a daughter, who didn’t even have a name. Nancy acted as midwife while her daughter was in labor and she expressed that the child was stillborn. Both of Nancy’s daughter said they thought they saw Nancy holding a hair pin over the baby’s head. Nancy’s oldest daughter, however, couldn’t be certain that she actually saw her mother stick the pin in her newborn daughter’s head, given that she was severally exhausted and delirious from just giving birth. Doctors couldn’t explain how the baby died.

About a year later, a few months after her husband was deployed, Nancy and her family welcomed a new addition to the home. Nancy’s oldest daughter had a son, Robert, but a few months after Robert was born, Nancy and her daughter had a huge fight. The daughter decided to go spend time with Charles to cool off. Given her son was only a few months old, she chose to leave him with Nancy. Robert died mysteriously during that time, the cause of death labeled as asphyxia due to unknown causes. The family claimed a $500 life insurance policy shortly after.

Then, the sixteen year marriage came to an abrupt end the day after Japan surrendered in World War II. The entirety of America celebrated the ending of the war, and Frank celebrated as only a true alcoholic can. He drank far more than even he could handle, and ended his night by raping his wife. The next morning, Nancy was cleaning the house when she found one of his liquor bottles. She snapped and poured rat poison into the bottle before presenting it to her husband. He died that night in agony.

I’m not sure if she was questioned or even under any suspicion for Frank’s death, because the next I hear of her, she’s on her way to Lexington, North Carolina, where she meets husband #3, Arlie Lanning, and they were married within 3 days. He was as much of an abusive alcoholic as Nancy’s previous husband, and met a mysterious end that Nancy claimed was a heart attack. Shortly after, the couples home, which had been left to Arlie’s sister and not Nancy, went up in flames, which allowed Nancy to collect the insurance money, thanks to some loophole I don’t know of. She then left town after her mother-in-law died unexpectedly in her sleep. Nancy stayed with her sister, who was bedridden before Nancy moved in, but died shortly after.

Nancy went on to find a fourth husband, who may have not been an alcoholic, but was just as abusive as the two previous men to enter Nancy’s life. While married to him, Nancy visited her mother for a short time, and returned home only after her mother’s funeral. After she returned home, her fourth husband followed in the footsteps of the other men, dying under mysterious circumstances.

Drumroll please, because we’ve officially reached the point where I can no longer report this information in a calm and direct manner…. This woman got married a fifth time! I mean, I would have started questioning her after the third mysterious death in her life, but we’re onto ten mysterious deaths that I can count! I don’t know what these people were thinking!

Anyway, Nancy met her fifth husband, Samuel Doss, while living in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Samuel was the exact opposite of Nancy’s previous husbands, since he was a strict Christian man who refrained from alcohol and detested romance novels. I’m sure Nancy didn’t kill him because of that, I’m sure at that point in her life she was so accustomed to killing for the insurance money that she didn’t know how to function in what could have been a healthy relationship for her.

Nancy was itching for that money. I don’t even know what she thought she needed to spend it on. (Thank you Murderpedia for only stating the super facts and not any of the backstory.) Nancy was in a rush, and it cost her dearly. Samuel became very ill very fast, so he went to the hospital for treatment. Doctors labeled it digestive tract infection, treated him, and sent him home. By the end of the night, he was dead.

Because of his previous visit to the hospital, doctors immediately flagged his death as suspicious and conducted a full blown investigation. It was then that they discovered the extremely high levels of arsenic in his system. The doctors called the police, and the police interrogated Nancy at length, until the woman admitted to killing eleven people. I’ve listed them all, I’m sure you can figure them all out.

Nancy went to trial, pleaded guilty, and spent the rest of her life in prison. I think a mix of her age and her name created the “Nannie” nickname for her. She died of leukemia in the prison hospital in 1965, after eleven years of lock up.

My conclusion about this woman is that she had some severe mental problems to justify killing all of those people. The children, specifically, should have had no part in her rage, and should have been safe from her, and with her. I’ve been abused, I’ve had those thoughts of loathing and rage, but I’ve never gone through with those thoughts. However, she was in a different time, in a darker place than I was. I will never condone harming another person for any reason. I’m honestly just so upset about those poor kids, who never even got to experience life.

Elizabeth Bathory

We’re going to talk about one more female serial killer for this post and save the rest for later. I didn’t really think this was going to end up being such a long in depth look into their lives when this started, but these women are incredibly fascinating to me.

Our next contender on the list of women who kill is Elizabeth Bathory. Before we go on with her story, I would like to say that I have absolutely no organization to how I talk about these women, I looked them up and wrote down their names as I found them, and am researching them in the order I had them written down.

Now, onto the woman who would later be called “The Blood Countess.”

Elizabeth Bathory was born to a powerful Hungarian family in 1560, who boasted the inclusion of members of the royal family, some judges, and even a few religious figures. But her family tree had some darkened branches stretching off of it. Her uncle, for example, was a devout Satanist, who taught his niece all about the will of this hellish entity. She also had an aunt who was an extreme sadist, and introduced the young girl to her greatest pleasure in life, the torture of those she deemed as lesser beings.

As was tradition in those days, Elizabeth was married off to Count Nadady at the age of fifteen and the two moved into a castle. Accounts say that Elizabeth was distant and standoffish towards her new husband, until he agreed to build her the torture chamber she dreamed of, so she could follow in footsteps of her aunt and uncle.

Elizabeth found a lot of joy in torturing young virgin girls, starting with the servants in her house. She pushed pins under her victims nails and smeared them with honey and left them to be attacked by insects. Her husband even had a hand in some of these acts of torture, but passed away in the early 1600s.

I believe Elizabeth grew extremely fearful of her own eventual demise after watching her husband pass away, because it’s said that she became even more malicious in her attacks of the young virgin girls. She bit whole chunks of flesh out of them, while alive, forced one to cook and eat her own flesh, and I’m sure much worse accounts that no one wants to list. She also had some of her older servants helping her abduct girls from surrounding villages so she could torture them. Elizabeth also believed that the blood of virgin girls would keep her young and beautiful, probably something she picked up from her Satanic uncle.

How did this vile woman get caught? Well, she wasn’t really caught so to speak. Everyone knew what Elizabeth was doing. She wasn’t murdering one random person every two years, she was reported to be kidnapping and murdering numerous virgin girls in a single month. She couldn’t even keep track herself of all the women she killed over the course of her 35 year reign of terror. She wasn’t dealt with in the beginning because she was a noblewoman who came from a very powerful family. No one wanted that problem on their plate.

Until she couldn’t get access to anymore servant or village girls. The great and terrible “Blood Countess” went after other noblewomen. That’s a severe no-no in those times, and King Matthias of Hungary finally stepped in to get involved. In 1610 (or 1611 depending on who you ask) King Matthias sent Count Gyorgy to investigate, and Elizabeth’s torture chamber and prisoners were discovered and made extremely public, to the point that no one could ignore the problem any longer.

Countess Elizabeth Bathory and and all of her wonderfully helpful servants were put on trial for their crimes. All were found guilty, and all but Elizabeth were executed. Because of her status in Hungarian society, she was spared from execution, but was held for the remaining years of her life in a cell with her only contact with outside world being a small gap in a wall for air and food. She died, with no clear indication how or why in 1614.

I truly believe that there is so much more to the woman’s story than just being a Satanic sadist. I’m obviously not an expert, or a historian, I’m just a bipolar bitch with a casual obsession for the strange and unusual, and Elizabeth was strange and unusual. I believe there must have been some sort of rape in her history. No one has that much hate for a virgin girl for no reason, and I believe she was jealous of those girls because they still held on to their innocents. I also think this happened at the hands of her Satanic uncle. I think he justified the rape in the name of Satan, and it confused and hurt her, because Christianity was the main religion of the time, and it’s more than likely that the rest of her family was made of Christians. She may have had extreme struggles with coping with what happened to her.

Which is where I think her aunt suddenly comes into play. My theory is that Elizabeth tried telling her immediate family about the incident, and they brushed it off or swept it under the rug to keep the family name from being drug through the mud. Elizabeth then turned to her aunt, who listened and understood her niece’s pain, and introduces her to a new outlet for her anger and confusion.

I then believe that the death of her husband made her really stop and think about all the harm she’d done, and she feared what her afterlife would be like, since she had such religious hardships in her youth. She turned to the Satanic teachings of her uncle, because she believed that the blood of virgins would keep her young and beautiful forever, and if she didn’t die, she wouldn’t have to worry about what her afterlife would look like.

These women were mentally disturbed and probably need a lot of psychiatric help that wasn’t available to them at the time. I truly believe that you have to have some mental health issues going on to hurt and kill people like they did.

I have a lot of other women planned out, but there is no way I can fit them all in one post, so I’m holding off until a later post. If you enjoyed reading about these women, may I suggest liking this post and subscribing to this blog so that you stay up to date on when the next crazy post comes out. If you wouldn’t mind, I’d also love it (and I mean absolutely fucking adore it) if you could donate a little bit of something to this blog. Every donation can be used to create better content for future posts. If you choose to become a paying subscriber, I will also soon be coming up with specialty content for you as my way of saying thank you for your contribution.

Until next time, fly high, Chimers!

“It’s my job as best friend to make sure he’s not a serial killer. Or an English major, not sure which one’s worse.”

― Shelly Crane, Significance

I’m sorry, that quote fucking killed me!

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